In stark contrast to the short story below, this masterpiece was whipped up in minutes as an email joke to a friend who had a propensity toward meeting women in fast food restaurants. It’s silly and fun, and a bit more light-hearted than my usual fare!
He could barely hear the fat sizzling in the fryer over the thumping of his heart. There she was: her eyes dancing like burger fat on the grill, her skin the hue of fried hashbrown. His desire fluttered like the bubbles of his carbonated soda. He edged closer to her, this golden French fry of his heart, inching across the slick and gum-strewn floor. He glowed like the flourescent menu as he neared, and she lifted her Coca-Cola colored eyes expectantly to his as he whispered:
“Darling, I see we are on the same page with hashbrowns…” He faltered, choking on tears, then pressed on, his voice dropping to a strained whisper. “But I…. I saw you at Burger King.”
Her soda-colored eyes widened with surprise, and she stopped chewing her hashbrowns for a heartbeat of a moment. He nodded slowly. “Yes, I saw you at that wretched place. I have tried to drive that image from my head, to drink it away, but it is burned forever into my memory.”
He touched her hand, for comfort, also to swipe a bite of her hashbrown. “Oh, I wish it had not come to this! We could have been so good together, like French fries and ketchup. Faux hamburger and onions. Liquified fat and chicken nuggets, frying together in a sea of love.”
She offered no excuses for her unfaithfulness, her wayward ways, as her mouth was full. Also, she was wondering why her hashbrown looked considerably smaller after his affectionate pat of her hand.
So there it ended, an UnHappy Meal, but with no toy in the box…
He turned to go, determined not to look back, because he couldn’t bear to see her cry, and also because he was shoving the contraband hashbrown into his mouth.
She sauntered up to the counter, her lip trembling, but she was determined to be brave. She leaned woefully on the counter, finished chewing, took a deep breath for strength, and said, “Gimme a milkshake, hon. On second thought…” She cast a last glance at his retreating back. “…make it a double.”