This morning I dug into my old CD stash and came up with a dusty Matchbox 20. With lyrics like “You left a stain on all my good days” and “You’re hell on wheels in a black dress”, their song “Disease” has been a favorite of mine since I first heard it. Belting the song out off-key on my drive to work, I contemplated the mild resemblance between lead singer Rob Thomas and Vinny Lecavalier. See for yourself:
That’s Rob Thomas on the left in his gently-tousled, pretty-hair glory, and Vinny on the right regarding the microphone with unexplained suspicion. See the resemblance? Maybe? Sort of? Ah, just take my word for it; they could be brothers!
That chain of thought linked to the next logical question: Hey, does Rob Thomas play hockey? And the next sequential logical link was, naturally, celebrities I would enlist to play for the Tampa Bay Lightning!
If Tortorella and Feaster have any sense remaining, they will revisit their NHL trades and aggressively pursue these individuals to sign up with the Lightning ASAP:
- Robert DeNiro: The man just looks intimidating. I-will-rip-out-your-heart-then-grab-a-leisurely-snack intimidating, like he just doesn’t care. He will go helmet-less to give the opposing team the full effect of his cold stare and heart-stopping glower. He doesn’t even have to actually play. He can just swagger by the other team’s bench and stare at them menacingly.
- Al Pacino: Yes, there is a pronounced Godfather theme here again, but stick with me a moment and run with it. Recall, for a moment, Al Pacino as Michael Corleone, as well as his classic role in Scarface. Can you still honestly deny the man needs a hockey stick in his fist? Granted, it has been pointed out to me that there would be numerous penalties called for stalling the game as he struck deals and issued death threats on the ice, but those offending refs would be dispatched appropriately.
- James Hetfield: The lead singer of Metallica has survived not only a pyrotechnic disaster that burned his face, but also the slaying reviews of St. Anger, the last attempt at an album Metallica has forged in years. Trust me, I’ve heard St. Anger, and after that, he’s proven he can take a hit and keep skating. Bring him on board!
- Judge Judy: Can you only imagine the verbal lashings this woman could dish out to intimidate, belittle, and destroy the morale of the opposing team? Hand her a uniform, a gavel, and a hockey stick.
- And who, you may be wondering, should be goaltending this Dream Team? The only rational choice, my friends, is Barney the Dinosaur. Yes, our nursery-rhyme-singing, puny-arm-flapping, loving-everyone prehistoric buddy. Turned sideways, he is the perfect size to cram into the net and fill the entire space, with not so much of a sliver of light to allow passage of a puck! He’s also soft and perfect to deflect shots so the Lightning can grab the rebound. And hell, it would just be fun to watch his too-small little arms flap around madly every time he was struck with a puck, and see if he can keep singing after being pelted for 3 game periods.
So, did I miss anyone? Any other celebrity nominations for the NHL?