I Miss Him

Sometimes, something happens that changes your life forever. Or happens to you. I am standing in the middle of one of those crazy snowglobes, shaken up and turned upside down to send my world swirling and tumbling around me, and I can only wait to see where everything lands, and where I may fall into place among all of it.

I wasn’t going to write about any of this, but my heart is so broken and my head is so smashed that if I don’t, I don’t know what I will do with all of this fear, anger, and pain.

Gary was arrested on Friday. When I left for work Friday morning, I said good-bye to him in the driveway like every morning, hugging him, giving him a kiss, joking around, and I stupidly had no idea it would be the last time for god knows how long that I would be allowed to touch him, to be with him without glass between us, to just hold him and feel his arms around me. I waved to him as I backed out of the driveway, and that was the last time I saw him until Sunday afternoon.

I had to sit with my hand against the glass, our fingers not quite able to touch, not able to hug him or kiss him or wipe tears off his cheek. I haven’t been able to see him since then. I can’t get home in time from work for visiting hours, and I can’t afford to leave work to get home in time. Then I am told he can have visitors, then that he cannot. I already despise police officers and detectives intensely for not being able to tell me simply if I can see him or not.

I can honestly say I have never hurt like this before in my life, and I am scared because I know it will only get worse, and I already can’t stand it.

So, the Smirking Cat will be taking quite a detour, rather like my life has, as I try to first make any shred of sense of this, try to hold it in my hands, try to believe this is now my life. That coming home every day to an empty house is now normal. That Gary not being here is normal. That not being able to just step into the next room and sit on his lap or hug him or laugh and hold hands in the car and sleep wrapped around him….well, he isn’t here. And there’s a huge, agonizing, awful ache where he should be.


About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in anger, arrest, heartache, love, pain. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to I Miss Him

  1. furiousBall says:

    what the? holy crap!

  2. FeministGal says:

    oh my goodness – i am so so sorry to hear all this. i wish you and Gary both strength and courage to overcome this together – again, so sorry that you’re dealing with all this 😦

  3. I’m completely baffled. Do you even know why he was arrested?Hugs to you Dear, I wish I could help more than moral support.

  4. Heather says:

    Cat, I’m so sorry to hear this! Hang in there, and take care of yourself.

  5. blueydmuse says:

    SC, I am so sorry this has happened to you two. What the heck happened? Is this related to the kids somehow? Take care. I hope he is released soon.

  6. ohiowagirl says:

    I am so sorry to hear all of this. What is the reason that he was arrested? Hang in there!

  7. Dijea says:

    Obviously, you are not ready to talk about what he was arrested for and that’s OK. I want to say I’m sorry that you are going thru a rough time. Hang in there and I will add you and Gary to my prayer list. God knows we all need a little extra help here and there.Be Brave & emotionally support him. That what he needs & its what he would do for you. Take care.

  8. OHMYGAWD…what the hell happened??? If you need someone to talk to or any kind of support, please email me and we’ll go from there. We are all here for you.

  9. kimberlina says:

    *hug* SC! I am so sorry you’re so scared and upset. Remember to breathe. Give the cats some treats and pets.

  10. KiKi says:

    OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am so so so so sorry.Yes, we are all here for you – so please drop a line or post if you need anything.DAMN DAMN DAMN!

  11. KiKi says:

    OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am so so so so sorry.Yes, we are all here for you – so please drop a line or post if you need anything.DAMN DAMN DAMN!

  12. Lydia says:

    I only know you in the blogosphere but i hope everything works out for you and gary. 😉

  13. I have been thinking about you all day. Your emails gave me hope that you’re breathing and still standing. But I’m serious. Call me if you need anything.

  14. sugar mag says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I hope everything will be ok. Take care.

  15. Ash says:

    Hey Lady M @ SC. I am so sorry to read about this. (Hug). I hope both of you will be OK and you can sort this out soon. Take care and be strong.

  16. I am so sorry. What the hell happened?Let me know if I can do anything?

  17. Smirking Cat says:

    Thank you to everyone who has emailed or commented. I never dreamed this blog would be a source of comfort, but it is, thanks to you guys. I’m afraid to go into detail with what happened, but Gary is my world and I want him to come home. He did not hurt anyone or anything like that, I want to be clear on that. He is a wonderful, loving man who has been hurting far too long.

  18. katesaltfleet says:

    Wow, just read this and I’m stunned. Just want to echo what everyone else has said and add my support.Kate x

  19. **** says:

    I don’t know what is going on but you can hear that you are hurting. You are in my thoughts and prayers.-d

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