Bitter Ex-Wife

So many great stepmoms (and dads) read my blog, and when I read this article, Step-Parenting: Dealing with a Bitter Ex-Wife, by Laura Egbers, I wanted to post it here as a resource.

The article is a bit dated (almost a year old) but offers some advice that stressed-out, harassed, and aggravated step-parents may find helpful! It opens with this simple but important message:

“One important thing to remember is she is the ex-wife. There’s usually a reason for that. This could be one of the burs in her butt that’s forcing her to increasingly be the nasty person she is towards you. Remain calm. Throwing more fuel on the fire never helped put it out. Sit back with the satisfaction that you are being the better person. Kindness is your key. This will also be remembered by your step child(ren) the next time she’s “in your face” that you never had a cross with their mother. As the child(ren) grows older, they will start to question why their mother doesn’t like you so much. So, in short, always be nice.”

Sitting back with the satisfaction that you are the better person can be difficult when someone is hurling mud at you every time you turn around, lashing out, spitting, but it is true: the kids don’t need 2 adults acting so hatefully or idiotically. Don’t join her.

This paragraph especially rang true in my heart (bolding is mine):

“One of the biggest no-no’s in step parenting is bad mouthing the mother to her child(ren)….Remember, you are not only reducing yourself down to her level, you are giving your step-child(ren) a sense that they have no one they can turn to because all the adults in their life are fighting. …Again, remain calm. You be the one to wipe away the tears. You be the one to listen without judgment. You need to be there for them. You can not judge them by their mother, they are innocent in the fact that they are adjusting to a new life with you, just like their mother has to accept that you are now not only married to her ex-spouse, but happy and content to welcome her child(ren) as a part of this new family. Remember, if she is this nasty to you, imagine how she can be in her own household.”

How frightening is that last sentence?

And finally:

“Remember the ex-wife isn’t going to just go away, but using these guidelines will help your new step-child(ren) adjust and grow with your new household. They will appreciate that you were the calm person. They will feel more comfortable with you because you weren’t the one yelling, screaming and bad mouthing their mother. It’s not their fault who she is; they are victims of her personality just as much as you are.”

As always, the kids are the most innocent, but the ones paying the highest price when one parent is insanely jealous, spiteful, and incapable of putting the kids first. I’m stunned how commonplace that scenario is, and how accepted by family court it is. The phrase “best interests of the children” is a trite mask, trotted out so frequently to hide the true selfish motives beneath it.

Kids deserve better than this. Period.

About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in bitter ex-wives, kids, step parents, stepkids, stepmoms. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Bitter Ex-Wife

  1. furiousBall says:

    that’s basically my approach with everything involving my ex. i don’t let her bait me into confrontation. i’m not her husband, ergo, i don’t have to put up with her shit.

  2. ohiowagirl says:

    I completely agree with this. This is why I blog….so I can be aggrivated but not around the kids or my husband! All of this is oh so true….my step children get upset if I make plans with friends while they are around. They NEED my company. TFS!

  3. Blueyd says:

    All good points. How are you doing? Have you been able to see the kids?

  4. SMILF says:

    Good artcile – thanks for posting! I always try to be the bigger person even when it sucks really bad and I think that is the way to go. I told another fellow stepmom friend to just let her see you happy all of the time and kill her with kindness. She will be the one who looks bad in the end.

  5. Smirking Cat says:

    Smilf: I agree. Being the better person is ultimately what is best for the kids. Blueyd, no, I am longer able to see the kids. They are the victims, yet again.

  6. I NEVER bad-mouth my ex, and no one in my family is permitted to either. On some level, my children will identify with him, and I never want them to think that the bad things that I think about him are thought about them.

  7. Anonymous says:

    i have been dealing with my ex-wife and her constant attacks on me for almost 6 years now. she is presently sue me at present. my kids are grown adults and i always paid my child support like clockwork. my son has isuues, he in fact just got out of prison after 14 months. my ex for some reasoon beleives that i still owe her money for whatever reason. it is all bs, i can not seem to get away from her. she has brainwashed 26 year old daughter into hating me. i would like to know wether there is a syndrome or cases that i can refer to before i go to court in order to stop her.

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