A lot has been on my mind lately, more than the usual save-the-world idealism that is always kicking around in my intellectual attic. I have been thinking about my own behavior and actions, and how they have possibly (likely) contributed to the animosity in the stepmom/BM situation in my own life.
I won’t claim to have come up with all the answers, or that I’ve struck upon blazing enlightenment and devised perfect behavior to make everything all right. I am just going to be very honest and admit that I have allowed anger and resentment to lead me to thoughts, actions, and words that drew me into a swirl of negativity that I did not want.
It is hard to admit that all of the blame is not solely someone else’s! It would be easy to say, “Well, she did this or that, so it’s okay if I said this or that.” No, it’s not. Expressing my disappointment and desire for different behaviors is one thing. Admitting I am angry is one thing. Lowering myself to reactive cheap shots and negative comments is not who I want to be.
Maybe I’m getting old and mellow. Maybe I’m going soft. Or maybe I’m just getting wiser and more focused on what is best for the kids, where we all should have been focused all along.
What does this all mean? I’m not sure. All I know is what it means for me personally, and that is, I consider my love for Gary and for the kids to be worthy of much more than being buried beneath anger and desecrated by negativity. All I know is I have control over me, over my actions, and I want to be an example for the kids, even if they don’t realize it until years from now. I don’t want to mimic the very behaviors I have condemned in others. I’m embarrassed that I have, to any extent, but I have to face up to it in order to move on and do better.
I still strongly disagree with many decisions and behaviors in this situation. I am still worried about the kids and worried about the effects all of this will have on them. But I feel like the best thing I can do for them, and for Gary, is to admit to the role I’ve played in the hostility and negativity, and to no longer be a willing actor of that drama.
Of course it won’t mean much to anyone else if I am the only one involved to make that decision. But it will still mean a lot to me, to know I chose what is right and what is best and what is honest. To keep going down the road I’ve been on seems to only end in becoming what I have fought against in the first place.
*Photo courtesy of LOL Cats…who else?*