Things That Go Bump In the Night

Curled up in bed last night, I woke up groggily to the rustling, unsettling sounds of something moving in the yard, those “did I really hear that?” kind of faint thumps and bumps that I at first tried to convince myself were the cats acting up. Then I heard a sharp, unmistakable thud against the front door, and something sliding along the concrete of the front porch. The cats flocked to my side, ears up, jumpy. I lay quietly, listening, seconds ticking by as I slowly relaxed and almost convinced myself it was nothing when suddenly…


Something struck the bedroom window only a few feet away from me, and I leaped out of bed like I was electrocuted, flailing frantically in the dark to yank on my jeans, trying not to step on the cats who are magnetically drawn to my feet, especially when I can’t see, lurching across the shadows to the front door, snatching anything and everything that could potentially be used as a weapon along my way. (Hey, I can be downright wicked with a candleholder if provoked.)

I flipped on the front porch light, tore open the door, and burst onto the porch, brandishing my hodge-podge weaponry, to bravely face my adversary…

…a beaming, grinning 9-year-old girl in a nightgown and a huge red bow in her curled hair, perched in my driveway like it was the most natural thing in the world for Rip to be pounding on my door and windows in the middle of the damn night, who waved cheerily and asked, “Hi! Can I use your phone?”

Then, upon examining my attire (which, in my defense, was hastily grabbed in the dark in a panicked fit), she offered, “Hmmm…maybe you should buy a nightgown.”

My heart was still thudding, I was still pumped on adrenaline, my mind was racing, and I took a deep breath and shouted the only words that would come to my scrambled, scattered, fried brain:

“What the HECK are you doing up this late on a school night?”

Yep, that was letting her have it with both barrels. No mercy.

She regarded me as if I had spontaneously grown a second head right there on my porch, offered me some more unsolicited wardrobe advice, then daintily lowered herself onto the porch swing to wait for my cell phone to be brought to her on a satin pillow, apparently. I grumbled to myself as I went inside to grab my phone, and after I made sure everything was okay, no one was hurt, no one required a trip to the hospital or had any use for my candle-holder-self-defense skills, I stumbled back to bed, assured the cats we were not under siege except by a 9-year-old diva, and climbed back under the covers, yanking the comforter over my head with this final thought:

“I am so blogging about this tomorrow.”

About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in humor, night, Rip, scare. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Things That Go Bump In the Night

  1. Mean Stepmom says:

    But WHY did she want to use the phone?

  2. Smirking Cat says:

    Something about making sure her mother had a ride for the next day.

  3. kimberlina says:

    oh c’mon, we all know you go to bed at like, 7. what was it, 8:30?!KIDDING! 😉no really, but what time was it.

  4. Smirking Cat says:

    It was around 11:30. Way too late for her to wandering around in her pajamas, and as early as I get up, way too late for me to be having heart attacks and lending out my cell phone!

  5. Stephanie says:

    And WHERE are her parental units at this hour? Seriously…

  6. Smirking Cat says:

    I know. There was a LOT wrong with the situation last night (her being up that late, her being out, her wearing her nightgown out on the street, actually hitting my window to wake me up, etc.)

  7. furiousBall says:

    umm, yeah that’s odd. that would prompt a lot of questions from me for her folks

  8. Hmmmmm….Great details in your post. You are a very good writer. 😉 That being said, poor girl.

  9. Sungold says:

    Geez, I thought for sure it was one of your kitties, nursing a late-evening hairball.Honestly, I’d rather scrape a cat-leaving off the carpet than have to be worried about the neighbor girl. They’re all lucky to have you – cats and girl alike.

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