“I often wonder how parents engaged in bashing explain the fact that they fell in love with, married, and had children with people who are so utterly lacking in any redeeming qualities. They seem unaware of the common observation that the mates we choose reveal much about our own personalities and emotional needs.”
“It is uncanny how often a parent will be guilty of the very things he or she accuses the ex-spouse of doing.”
“Those who close off avenues of love and support detour children from their pursuit of emotional security. …It is a form of kidnapping; stealing the soul.”
“…children identify with both parents. This means that children experience bad-mouthing of a parent as a personal attack. …This is one reason divorce poison diminishes your child’s self-esteem. Bad-mouth your ex and you simultaneously bad-mouth your child.”
“…the alienating parent is guilty of contributing not only to the loss of love but to the perversion of the child’s soul.”
–all quotes by Dr. Richard A. Warshak, in the book Divorce Poison
I can see that your head
The Smirking Cat! 
see my view is that the problem is worse than the communication between spouses, i feel that there are too many spouses … too many get married because they think that is the end game we are all marching towards. marriage is the poison, not divorce
Okay, I need to go get this book now! I am a child of divorce as well as a stepmother so I get it completely. Thanks for showing the book!
SMILF, I am only halfway through this book, but it’s terrific. He is the first writer I’ve encountered who truly takes the kids’ sides, is not “father’s rights” nor “mother’s rights”, but all about the kids. He is great.Furiousball, I agree that too many people get married who never should have married in the first place. Ultimately the individuals involved are the poison, and the divorce is simply a trigger for them to release it.
It sounds like a wonderful, wonderful book! I may have to get this one myself. Thanks for sharing!!And, I disagree that marriage is poison. Marriage to the right person is healing and wonderful. I think that people who should not be married are poisonous to each other, but worse than that, they are poisonous to the children they bring into the world. There is no reason to destroy the kids just because you married the wrong person.
“…the mates we choose reveal much about our own personalities and emotional needs.” This sentence alone set me off on a lot of thinking about my past relationships! I’m sure I will post more about this book, because there’s so much valuable information, as well as ways to make sure you are not inadvertently hurting the kids at any stage of divorce or beyond.
I could relate to this post because I have been guilty of bad-mouthing the ex-spouse, just as she has also bad-mouthed me. I try my best to avoid doing it now, at least in front of the children. That’s what blogging is for, right? LOL I’ll add that book to my reading list. Thanks for posting it.
I need this book too and have been meaning to pick it up!