I almost laughed out loud when I read that, not because it’s the least bit funny, really, but because the application of any amount of logic or reason to the behaviors of people intent on hate becomes surreally comical as it rips apart the glaringly obvious self-deceipt required to perpetuate it…and the zombie-like fervor with which it will be defended, no matter the facts to the contrary.
“Passionate hatreds can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. These people haunted by the purposelessness of their lives try to find a new content not only by dedicating themselves to a holy cause but also by nursing a fanatical grievance.”—Eric Hoffer
A fanatical grievance, real or contrived, supported by fact or completely whipped from one’s behind, it doesn’t matter. People who love to hate will claw at anything and everything, exaggerated or fabricated, and repeat, repeat, repeat ad nauseum until their mantra has been burned into their own brains and into the minds of those around them, crammed in until accepted as truth, even if the seams are shabby or falling apart or nonexistent.
“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.” — Arab proverb
One thing that leads me to conclude “The lady doth protest too much, methinks” is a simple flow of logic. Example: let’s say someone claims to hate me. Completely, utterly, entirely. Let me think of something I hate to this magnitude…roaches! Let’s follow a line of logic, then. If I truly hate roaches as I claim, would I spend my day wondering where the roaches are, what they have been doing, where they have been lately, who have they talked with recently, what websites they may have visited lately, etc. (okay, this is a generously loose line of logic, but stay with me!)
Of course not. Yet a common thread I have found woven through almost all of the blogs I read with a similiar situation, in which the writer is denounced as the reincarnation of Satan by somebody who declares they have no redeeming traits whatsoever, is the characteristic obsessiveness and, dare I say, outright infatuation the designated hater displays by wanting to know every move this “hated” person makes, wanting to be near this person in some manner, even if it is disguised as something else (keeping an eye on that person, gathering information, or another typical cover).
I hate roaches. We’ve established that. My hate is genuine, therefore, I do not seek out roaches, try to be near them, talk about them all day long, or spread rumors about roaches, because that would still be talking about them and making myself think about them, which is not pleasant. If, however, I actually suppressed a fascination or preoccupation with roaches, but felt that I should hate them due to some issue in our lives, and conflicted because I instead find myself drawn to them, I likely would mask this clash by claiming to hate them, constantly speaking of their worthlessness, fighting my feelings by hissing and spitting my hate to anyone who will listen, or any of the other assorted behaviors with which many of us are already familiar. This would quell my own torn feelings as well as stop others close to me from thinking positively about roaches or, god forbid, believe that I do. (In all honesty, all of this would involve far more concern for others’ perceptions or judgments than I actually possess.)
“They attack the one man with their hate and their shower of weapons. But he is like some rock which stretches into the vast sea and which, exposed to the fury of the winds and beaten against by the waves, endures all the violence.” — Virgil
Eventually, you will probably develop a thicker skin and recognize the nastiness for what it is: truly a problem that is sad and deceitful, but completely the responsibility of that person to face, heal, see the truth, grasp it, wrestle it, and mature and move on. Do I suggest holding your breath until this happens? No. But I do suggest being honest with yourself about your own feelings, especially if kids are involved in your situation. No matter what is true and what isn’t, no matter who is right or wrong, by anyone’s decree, kids are learning by observation how to handle negative behavior, hurt feelings, conflict, and disagreements… by watching you. What do you want them to learn from you?
Depending on your particular situation, here are some resources I found:
Ways to Deal with Your Ex’s Anger (part of the article linked above)
Love, Anger, and Forgiveness: How to Let Go and Be Emotionally Free Once and For All (a pretty lofty goal, but this article does at least have great ideas for perspective and beginning a healing process)
Stepparents: Dealing with a Bitter Ex-Wife (since Macocha’s, and many others’, situations involve an ex-wife)
What are your thoughts? Agree, disagree? Any resources or support to add for people either struggling with their own anger or hatred, or those facing a daily onslaught of someone else’s?