Today Macocha, a self-described “wife, mother, and stepmom”, wrote on her blog, “It is amazing to me how much a person can dislike you and not know you.”

I almost laughed out loud when I read that, not because it’s the least bit funny, really, but because the application of any amount of logic or reason to the behaviors of people intent on hate becomes surreally comical as it rips apart the glaringly obvious self-deceipt required to perpetuate it…and the zombie-like fervor with which it will be defended, no matter the facts to the contrary.

“Passionate hatreds can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. These people haunted by the purposelessness of their lives try to find a new content not only by dedicating themselves to a holy cause but also by nursing a fanatical grievance.”Eric Hoffer

A fanatical grievance, real or contrived, supported by fact or completely whipped from one’s behind, it doesn’t matter. People who love to hate will claw at anything and everything, exaggerated or fabricated, and repeat, repeat, repeat ad nauseum until their mantra has been burned into their own brains and into the minds of those around them, crammed in until accepted as truth, even if the seams are shabby or falling apart or nonexistent.

“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.”Arab proverb

One thing that leads me to conclude “The lady doth protest too much, methinks” is a simple flow of logic. Example: let’s say someone claims to hate me. Completely, utterly, entirely. Let me think of something I hate to this magnitude…roaches! Let’s follow a line of logic, then. If I truly hate roaches as I claim, would I spend my day wondering where the roaches are, what they have been doing, where they have been lately, who have they talked with recently, what websites they may have visited lately, etc. (okay, this is a generously loose line of logic, but stay with me!)

Of course not. Yet a common thread I have found woven through almost all of the blogs I read with a similiar situation, in which the writer is denounced as the reincarnation of Satan by somebody who declares they have no redeeming traits whatsoever, is the characteristic obsessiveness and, dare I say, outright infatuation the designated hater displays by wanting to know every move this “hated” person makes, wanting to be near this person in some manner, even if it is disguised as something else (keeping an eye on that person, gathering information, or another typical cover).

I hate roaches. We’ve established that. My hate is genuine, therefore, I do not seek out roaches, try to be near them, talk about them all day long, or spread rumors about roaches, because that would still be talking about them and making myself think about them, which is not pleasant. If, however, I actually suppressed a fascination or preoccupation with roaches, but felt that I should hate them due to some issue in our lives, and conflicted because I instead find myself drawn to them, I likely would mask this clash by claiming to hate them, constantly speaking of their worthlessness, fighting my feelings by hissing and spitting my hate to anyone who will listen, or any of the other assorted behaviors with which many of us are already familiar. This would quell my own torn feelings as well as stop others close to me from thinking positively about roaches or, god forbid, believe that I do. (In all honesty, all of this would involve far more concern for others’ perceptions or judgments than I actually possess.)

“They attack the one man with their hate and their shower of weapons. But he is like some rock which stretches into the vast sea and which, exposed to the fury of the winds and beaten against by the waves, endures all the violence.”Virgil

Eventually, you will probably develop a thicker skin and recognize the nastiness for what it is: truly a problem that is sad and deceitful, but completely the responsibility of that person to face, heal, see the truth, grasp it, wrestle it, and mature and move on. Do I suggest holding your breath until this happens? No. But I do suggest being honest with yourself about your own feelings, especially if kids are involved in your situation. No matter what is true and what isn’t, no matter who is right or wrong, by anyone’s decree, kids are learning by observation how to handle negative behavior, hurt feelings, conflict, and disagreements… by watching you. What do you want them to learn from you?

Depending on your particular situation, here are some resources I found:

How to Stop Being Angry

Ways to Deal with Your Ex’s Anger (part of the article linked above)

How to Protect Your Child During Your Divorce

Love, Anger, and Forgiveness: How to Let Go and Be Emotionally Free Once and For All (a pretty lofty goal, but this article does at least have great ideas for perspective and beginning a healing process)

Stepparents: Dealing with a Bitter Ex-Wife (since Macocha’s, and many others’, situations involve an ex-wife)

What are your thoughts? Agree, disagree? Any resources or support to add for people either struggling with their own anger or hatred, or those facing a daily onslaught of someone else’s?

About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in forgiveness, hatred, kids, logic, quotes, resources. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Hate

  1. macocha says:

    Exactly! You said it so much better than I!! Great! Another good resource is one of the books for the steps of AA. “You can’t make me angry” – easy read, good tips. It can be used for all situations – not just for alcoholics. Helps you get back in control of your feelings. Love your post!

  2. Hmmm…Good post. I enjoy critcism if it is constructive. I also think that there are people out there who can not take ANY kind of criticism and immediately jump to the conclusion that the comment is a personal attack. There should be some sort of balance, no? I can say that I am one of those exes that, in the beginning, wanted to know it all AND claimed hate. I’ve grown since then, and I have no idea where the ex is(it’s been quite some time). Maybe it’s a phase, like a stage of grief. Maybe?

  3. dragonmctt says:

    Totally Agree! (I really like your analogy w/the roaches, too!)I think you are really on to something here – what we experience as “hatred” is actually insecurity or jealousy that they have to disguise by using hostile behavior to try to elicit a negative response from us. If successful, our negative response is spun to show their role as victim and their defense of the “hatred”. It is a never-ending cycle, in the worst cases.Trying to break that cycle, by refusing to engage in such hostile behavior, shows children that you are responsible for your own behavior, no matter what comes your way.We aren’t holding our breath for BM to move on, either, and we live our daily lives unconcerned with her actions unless they directly cause emotional/physical distress for the kids. It has put her in quite a spin, because we used to feel obligated to meet her every demand immediately, fearing an even worse wrath if we didn’t. But now we have come to realize that the wrath will continue regardless, her needs will never be satisfied, and the best thing we can do is show the boys how to set boundaries for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. We will no longer be her scapegoat for getting sympathetic ears to understand why she “hates” us, nor will we allow her to use any of our actions to paint her as a victim. Only contacting her in writing has been a godsend. We address any of her concerns regarding the immediate welfare of the boys, and everything else just drifts off into space. No more room in our house for it!

  4. Medea says:

    I love your comment on roaches…I have absolutely no advice, but if you find the answer, please pass it on. I find that some days I wake up and it’s clear that holding on to anger is hurting me more than anyone else, so I can let it go and carry on with my life with a smile.Then, a few weeks later, bang: something will happen to remind me of the injustices and the hurt and suddenly I’m fuming and/or in tears again. I still know I’m the one who is suffering because of it, but I can’t seem to forget.I think it’s the forgiveness that’s hardest to deal with. If someone genuinely hurt you and isn’t sorry, forgiving them is one of the hardest things you can do.Of course, none of this actually helps for the psycho ex’s that hate just for the sake of it, without even knowing you. For that, I can only sympathise and wish you the best of luck. I hope she leaves you alone soon. -Mx

  5. macocha says:

    dragonmctt is so right too! very much in agreement! Same with Mx. I love this post.

  6. Smirking Cat says:

    “…insecurity or jealousy that they have to disguise by using hostile behavior to try to elicit a negative response from us.”Dragonmctt, you just defined this brand of “hate” perfectly. And sadly, they could release themselves from it if they were only honest with themselves.

  7. I like your thought process about disliking someone. You don’t seek them out if you don’t care for them.I think it is highly oversimplified to think a person disliking you falls into one of two categories: jealousy or insecurity.A person who dislikes [general] you may have been legitimately wronged by another and the consequent feelings, natural. Of course, there are plenty of examples that do follow your strict logic.Children need to learn that boundaries are also important. Adults have a right to them just as children do. think that lesson gets overlooked when we discuss “best interets of the child”.I don’t have to open myself up to abuse and traipsing all over my boundaries (same with the other household) in order to fully meet a shared child’s needs. I think in many instances you can balance it and it is very appropriate.But if you are discussing cyberstalking..you’re right, it doesn’t make sense if you are hated.

  8. Smirking Cat says:

    I wasn’t writing about general dislike; I had in mind the specific instance of a person who vehemently claims to hate her ex’s new partner, yet spends an inordinate amount of time trying to be near her, talking about her, and yes, outright stalking her. I know at least a few fellow readers also in this situation. Someone who legitimately hates me will not, if sanity prevails, seek me out so urgently.

  9. dragonmctt says:

    Running Peripheral…So true about the boundaries – there are times that teaching them how to do that is in their best interest.This may just be semantics, but “dislike” seems a little watered down for the type of situation we are talking about here, which may be why you think it is oversimplified. An example of dislike to me would be obnoxious parents that let their children use the restaurant table as a jungle gym, or the neighbor that plays music too loud. I dislike them. A person that dislikes you would probably just avoid anything to do with you, as would someone who even claims to hate you, as smirking cat has pointed out. Ever heard of a child who hates broccoli choosing that as a subject for a school project? We avoid what we dislike/hate.But in our experiences, there is a different “brand of hate” (love that term sc!) If we had another word for it, we would use it, there just isn’t one that does justice. To me this post was the tip of the ice burg, because it really made me think. Our BM can’t possibly hate us, she is obsessed with us. I even venture out on a limb, here, (sorry sc if you get some not so nice responses from this), but it is not too dissimilar from the mindset of a racist or a gay basher. One would think if one disliked or even hated someone of another race or sexual persuasion, one would avoid them at all costs. Yet these “extreme” personalities actually obsess with their target, take every opportunity to comment on them, hunt them down, try to ruin their lives and even kill them. I think “hate crime” is a misnomer, it is not hate that spurs on these crimes, it is something way more pathalogical than that (my gut feeling was jealousy or insecurity, combined with some sort of narcissistic influence maybe) Ok gang – we need to come up with a better word – the more I think about it, hate just isn’t cutting it anymore. Maybe we should coin our own?

  10. Smirking Cat says:

    That obsession is difficult to describe to someone not in a similiar situation, because it doesn’t make logical sense or prescribe to any notion of rational thought. My cyberstalker will tell everyone who will listen how much she hates me…yet her favorite topic is me. Yet she pursues me in a way that can only be described as obsessive, and has done so for over 2 years. Hate? I think not. You’re right, dragonmctt, we need a different word for it.

  11. Dragonmctt,Very interesting points…but is it really a good comparison to gay bashing and racists?There is a variable you are ignoring and it is shared children involved…someone else’s children, and that is highly personal and very much an interest for them.If you are writing about someone else’s children, is it really that pathological to keep an eye on such writings?Why automatically demonize her for doing what comes naturally for mothers? It may not have anything really to do with Smirking Cat but some of the topics within her blog.Food for thought…

  12. Smirking Cat says:

    RP, I understand your viewpoint, and in some situations with calmer heads and a genuine focus on the children, I would agree. However, I will be blunt. The person in my situation has stalked me to the point that I have been to the police; has accessed an online account of mine that she had no business being in and that was completely, absolutely unrelated to the kids; has filed false reports against me and my boyfriend; has followed me to other websites and message boards that are absolutely urelated to the kids, to her, or even to my boyfriend, including a weight loss website, and has created multiple usernames and accounts in attempts to “befriend” me there anonymously (tech support has been helpful in alerting me to her attempts to join a private team I captain there); has spent literally hours a day on my blog, which crosses the line from checking what I write to simply disturbing; has created multiple usernames to follow me around online and leave comments after I do; tries to hide the frequency of her visits by using search engines to arrive on it (the visit is still captured on stats); and has refused any attempts to talk about her issues or concerns, so I can only conclude she is not interested in forming a more cooperative relationship.No one has ignored the fact that children are involved. It is the highest concern I have. Children should never be poisoned, lied to, manipulated, or used as weapons. Period. That will be my stance today, tomorrow, and always, no matter who is reading this blog. P.S. The posts that she reads over and over (also captured by my stats) are never the ones about the kids. They are the ones about Gary.

  13. Smirking,Okay. Perhaps I’m giving benefit of the doubt where it isn’t deserved…I can’t imagine being harrassed to that point for any reason, including the kids.I was discussing someone who may have an interest in your blog after unintentionally stumbling on it.Do you have a restraining order to protect your from her?

  14. Smirking Cat says:

    No. I decided, at that time, that drama, conflict, and animosity were things the situation has plenty of already. I also wasn’t sure how that would feel to the kids. Not good, I’m certain. So I let it go.

  15. Crys says:

    I think that hate is a very nasty emotion. It does nothing but pin one down and drown them. I’ve seen people waste away on hate … not that I haven’t learned this lesson the hard way. Nor do I claim to ever not dislike or feel anger toward another, but I find that my life is much happier and my heart lighter when I learn to let go of the negativity. I’ve very glad that you found my blog, and I look forward to reading more of yours.

  16. macocha says:

    RP, my new blog is also similar to Smirking, but don’t think or know if it has come to that point yet. But she is very, very jealous of me and attempts to interrupt our home life as best as she can by dictating what we can and cannot do in our home – as well as lie to those around her about us. She is infactuated with what we do. It is sad. The kids are the ones that suffer – endlessly. And it is very hard to understand as well the intensity that we feel or our opinions without actually being in the same situation 🙂I never, ever knew it could be this difficult prior to meeting my dh – not a clue. My friend pointed out to me that the reason I dont understand her rational or why she does this is because I am not on that same level as her. So – to clarify – I am not evil or do evil things such as she so obviously I would be unable to justify or come to terms with why she does it.

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