Anniversary Post: "Best Interests"

One year ago today, I deleted a blog called Athena and started The Smirking Cat. One of the last posts on Athena was titled “Best Interests”, and it kicked off a childish drama of bitter comments, insults, and accusations (and a possible world record for the most repetitive use of the word “bimbo”). I started a new blog because of the trolling that ensued. In re-reading this post, however, I realize I still stand by each and every word, so for my one-year Smirking Cat anniversary, here is a repost of those words:

I’m 100% feminist, which anyone who knows me doesn’t need to be reminded of, and it brings me to some interesting thoughts and concerns as I watch the custody battles of several male friends play out. “Battle” is the operative word, because the “best interests of the children” myth was squashed like a bug from the beginning. The kids are left broken and bleeding somewhere on the far edges of the background, a distant and dim afterthought coated with dust from neglect.

Here’s my take. I absolutely believe fathers should take a fair share of child care and responsibility in raising the children, changing diapers, keeping the house clean, etc. Where I diverge violently from other opinions is that this equal share of responsibility should remain intact no matter the relationship between the mother and father. The children’s relationships with their father are separate and apart from the relationship between the mother and the father. If Mom or Dad wants to sever the marriage or relationship between the parents, that is fine; however, neither Mom nor Dad owns the children’s relationship with the other parent, and interfering with that relationship is the epitome of poor parenting, selfishness, and immaturity.

A father should not become nothing more than a child support check just because the relationship between the parents fell apart, exploded, dissolved, whatever. This is where I get disgusted and horrified at the behavior and decisions of some other women. The attitude they strike seems to be “Damn the kids! Damn what they want or need! What matters most here is having my ego vilified, my need for spite fulfilled, and to score points against my ex no matter the cost, even if it’s the kids’ feelings or well-being I’m shitting all over!”

Ladies, grow up and be women. If you can’t do that, you should never have had children in the first place. Setting aside your ego and vindictiveness to support your own children shouldn’t be a colossal, impossible effort. I don’t grasp what is so hard to understand about the kids wanting to be with their father, simply because he’s their father. It’s as simple as that. I don’t care if he cheated, left socks on the floor, or just doesn’t light your fire anymore. It’s irrelevant. All the kids know is they want to see their father. They don’t care either why you don’t like their father anymore. And all they will remember in the not-too-distant future is how you were the one who kept them from seeing him.

The self-satisfied smirk that crosses a woman’s face when she knows she has hurt her ex by keeping the kids away from him, should melt right off when she sees her kids’ faces, or hears them cry, or listens to them ask for their dad. If it doesn’t….well, that speaks volumes about her character, morality, decency, and true feelings for her own children, doesn’t it?

There are a lot of jerks who don’t deserve time with their kids because they don’t care. I’ve known plenty of them too, guys who get baby-sitters on the weekends they have their kids so they can go out drinking and partying. Those guys are in a sub-class by themselves. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about men who have stepped up and been real fathers, changed diapers, cooked, cleaned, played, helped with homework and baths. Women can’t expect equal division of housework and child care, then use parenting time as a weapon after the relationship with the father has ended. One can’t go without the other. A parent during the marriage is still a parent after it. And on the flip side, men can’t expect to be more than a child support check if they were nothing but a paycheck while they lived with the mother and kids.

The men I personally know who are going through this nonsense right now put their hearts into being a father, and it’s shameful to watch the mothers behave like hateful, selfish rodents, refusing to let them see the kids, to be a part of their lives, to share in what they helped create. I truly don’t believe I’ve ever seen anything so repugnant or vile. It’s not about her, not even about the father; it’s supposed to be about the kids.

I got curious and researched father’s rights advocates vs. feminists. Interesting how they behave like opponents instead of partners. Don’t they ultimately want the same thing: equal parenting?

Study after study confirms that children are better off with an active father in their lives. So does common sense. A mother who will shove that aside in order to placate her own ego does not deserve to be called a mother at all.

Originally posted 10/15/2007 03:07:00 PM 14 comments

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About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in custody, divorce, fathers, kids, kids' rights, mothers. Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Anniversary Post: "Best Interests"

  1. Great post! I agree with you a hundred and fifty percent. I don’t understand at all why you were called a bimbo, though. I’m glad you’re a Smirking Cat.

  2. macocha says:

    ~applaud~ I agree!

  3. mean stepmom says:

    Thanks for the great re-post and happy blogoversary, Smirking Cat!

  4. Medea says:

    Hear hear! I was one of those children whose mother kept them from their father. It creates a huge amount of destruction, pain, hurt and eventually, in my case, succeeded only in destroying my relationship with my mother too.If only these women could see the future hurt they’re causing to themselves as well as those around them.

  5. Just Me :) says:

    OMG! You said so many things that if I EVER get to address our BioMom, or the court for that matter, (the way I’d really like to and not in the censored way I feel I have to) I’d totally read portions of your blog verbatim!

  6. Mothers don’t own the corner market on malicious divorced parenting.In my situation, it is not the mother but the father (with his wife as an accomplice) who is guilty of it.I just drove fourteen hours one way to spend TWO days with my daughter. I will be leaving to make the journey back home tonight.Do you think her father values that kind of effort for his daughter? No. He’s resentful and nasty in his comments about it to his daughter…there was homework she needed to get done and instead of saying to his daughter “Hey, Mom can help you with it this weekend!” He tells her, among other things, “Oh, ask your Mom to return you early so you can get that done at home.”I have no idea why you received ugly comments for this post. I agree BOTH parents are important in the life of their child and it should be respected. I’m a mother who is treated as nothing more than a child support check…I can’t imagine ever treating her father that way and agree 100% malicious parenting exists on both sides of the aisle. Fathers, as wells as mothers, should get over themselves in the adult relationship fails and realize a parents relationship truly is independent of the relationship you have with the other parent. Unfortunately, it’s often intertwined and treated as one and the same.Perhaps if some of these mothers put the father’s shoe on their foot, they might have a different point of view and not so eager to treat Dad as an afterthought..or of no real value in the raising of shared children.Great post!

  7. lyndaspix says:

    I couldn’t agree more. Both parents are important and equally so. It’s too bad that more people don’t realize that their children need good parents…period.

  8. Stephanie says:

    Amen sister, preach on.

  9. I agree that, in 99% of situations, it is imperative that kids have both parents around for their childhood and “growing up” years; however, I also feel the need to point out that my son’s bio dad abandoned him after multiple investigations by CPS for sexual abuse not to mention the verbal and physical abuse my son endured at his hands. There ARE times when it is necessary to cut ties with a bio parent when that parent is not capable of providing a healthy positive influence and/or environment for the child. It is not an easy decision nor a decision that should be taken lightly by any means but before taking an all or nothing stance on the topic, know that there are exceptions. Oh and though I would have taken the steps necessary to have the ties cut myself, I didnt have to…. my son’s sperm donor just disappeared on his own — after trying to fight ME for custody and it backfiring on him badly. None of those things had anything to do with my feelings, positive or negative, towards Boyzilla’s sperm donor. To the contrary, I have a very solid rule about never ever saying anything negative about my son’s bio dad in front of him or where I think there’s a chance he could hear me. If he wants to find out who he is or what he’s about when he’s an adult, he can try to locate him and make up his own mind. My opinion of him has no place in my son’s life. Just my 2 cents.

  10. Smirking Cat says:

    Hey Unstable, I agree it’s not an all or nothing topic, which is why I specified that I am referring to men who embrace their roles as fathers. I am most definitely all-or-nothing when we are talking about parents who are shut out simply because the other parent is spiteful and wants revenge: there’s no excuse, whatsoever, and it’s shameful.

  11. SC, totally agree. Any parent who allows their spite, jealousy or basically any adult issue they have with the other parent to impact their children is doing nothing but damage and it is absolutely shameful. Unfortunately those are also the parents that make it incredibly difficult for those of us with REAL issues to do anything about it. I share your no tolerance attitude for parents who use their kids for psychological warfare….now if only we could get the family judicial system to start seeing things OUR way!! I think we should start some sort of organization…. we’d be hell on wheels! I fully support punishing irresponsible and spiteful parenting especially when it impedes on the other parent’s rights and ability to participate in the upbringing of their kids. By doing this CONSISTENTLY, it would allow parents with real safety and well-being issues to have them properly addressed. I realize it may not have sounded like it, but I was agreeing with you while also pointing out that I was agreeing from the other side, so to speak. I just should have been more clear 🙂

  12. Smirking Cat says:

    I remember posting not long ago some information I found that something like 97% of abuse allegations made during custody proceedings are unfounded. WHY are these not pursued as criminal charges? I completely agree there. Parent with REAL abuse allegations are swept aside with the liars, and no help is offered to kids who are really suffering. And for what? For a manipulative, hateful parent to gloat about what he/she got away with?

  13. Ummm yeah, pretty much. Sadly, poor parenting isnt illegal. Not to say that Robobitch will not answer for what she’s done cuz I truly believe she and all those like her, will… but it certainly doesnt help you, Gary or the kids RIGHT NOW. That is the part that really sucks.

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