Ahhh, Valentine’s Day! It’s right around the corner, and I can already smell the overpriced roses and the make-you-gain-ten-pounds-right-before-you-squeeze-into-kinky-lingerie chocolates. On this heavily commercialized and oversentimentalized day of celebrating love, obligatory sex, and raking in a pile of bucks from suckers who feel like they must drop serious cash or else they are unromantic jerks who will be sleeping alone, why not consider spreading the love with thoughtful gifts for your true love, your ex, or for some of you out there, a token of your heartfelt feelings for HIS ex?
If your sweetie had to make a few test runs before finally getting it right, ensure smiles all around with this whimsical t-shirt bragging, “My ex-wife wants me”:
I just might honor several war-torn stepmoms (Watch the mail, ladies!) with this gem of a bumper sticker:
Maybe you are fortunate enough to still get along reasonably well with your (or his) ex-wife, or perhaps you would like to toot your own horn with this “World’s Greatest Ex-Wife” sweatshirt:
If the object of your affection is not his ex-wife at all, but your own ex-husband or ex-boyfriend, or even a male boss or co-worker who daily earns this Little Prick Award from Chocolate Fantasies, then give him the opportunity to flaunt this unique trophy with pride!:
For those who enjoy practical gifts, or perhaps for your favorite co-worker, why not share a tender moment by bestowing a Dead Fred Pen Holder
? What a cheery and uplifting addition to your desk!:
Another favorite of mine is the Ex Voodoo Knife Set
, complete with a paring knife, bread knife, chef knife, a carver, and a utility knife. Hey, my kitchen happens to be red…perfect!:
Here is something we can all agree on, whether you are the ex-wife, the ex-husband, the stepmom, the kids, or anyone who cares about someone whose marriage has ended–the simply-stated, to-the-point, “Divorce Sucks” t-shirt
Leading the category of “I’m not quite sure what the message behind this gift is” is Kisses Toilet Paper,
200 sheets of 3-ply love.
The seller Baron Bob
pitches this item with the heart-rending plea, “Wipe with love for only $7.95 a roll!” Who could resist amorous toilet paper? Hey, it beats heart-patterned boxers, red teddy bears, or stale chocolates with mystery fillings, doesn’t it?
If the charms of lipstick-imprinted toilet paper didn’t tug your heart strings, I know what will: the I Love You toast stamper:
Say it with toast! Simply stamp the bread and pop it into the toaster for a crunchy love note sure to please.
Finally, who says only women get the age-old joy of donning ridiculous lingerie on Valentine’s Day to poke, prod, ride up, wedge into, squeeze, and generally feel insanely uncomfortable for the entire 10 seconds it will stay on? Ladies, get ye over to TeddyGirl.com’s mens’ department
and feast your eyes on fun sexy wear for your man, including the Mr. Dick Nose bikini
, complete with jiggly eyes and a felt moustache to get you both in that loving mood (after you are done laughing, of course):
Happy shopping, and Happy Valentine’s Day!