Note: The following, of course, is a joke…but if you are the perpetual recipient of “love notes” from a litigation-happy ex, you will likely identify with parts of this!
FORMER WIFE’S MOTION TO PUNISH FORMER HUSBAND FOR ALL OF ETERNITY
Comes now the FORMER WIFE, yet AGAIN, incessantly, with the mother of all complaints, bitching to the Honorable Court and to all others within earshot, demanding the following, which may be added onto at any time as deemed proper and right by the Former Wife;
1. That the Former Husband shall be officially declared eternally wrong and evil, a scoundrel from the bowels of Hell’s sewer;
2. That the Former Husband is, in fact, personally and completely responsible for all that is wrong with the Former Wife’s life, their minor children, starvation in developing nations, the destruction of the environment, the melting of the ice caps, and all other wrongs and ills and misfortunes of this world, known or unknown, from the beginning of time until a time not yet defined;
3. That the Former Husband’s girlfriend, a.k.a. That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up, is evil incarnate;
4. That all evil and wretchedness, witnessed and not witnessed, including but not limited to all bad things that have happened from Biblical times through present day and beyond to a time not yet defined, was in fact born from the womb of That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up;
5. That the Former Wife is indeed justified in all acts she makes or thinks of making or has not yet thought of making but might;
6. That even if the children state, misguidedly of course, that they wish to spend more time with the Former Husband, it is understood that they are under the influence of That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up, and all such statements, and all related or similar statements, in fact any statements that are positive about the Former Husband or about That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up, shall be dismissed as crap and disregarded for all of eternity;
7. That the Former Wife shall assume Supreme Power and the role of Master of the Universe in all matters related to the Former Husband, the children, That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up, and any other matters that strike the Former Wife as interesting to be Master of the Universe over, and the Former Wife shall mandate, order, command, and instruct all actions, no matter how miniscule, and shall expect immediate and complete compliance;
8. That if the Former Husband or That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up choose to disobey, challenge, question, or appear to question the above mentioned mandates, orders, commands, and instructions, or if they raise their eyebrows or glance at each other or appear to disagree in any manner, then they immediately and eternally shall be banished from the children’s lives, but not from the punishments, torments, taunts, and torture of the Former Wife, who retains Punishment, Torment, Taunt, and Torture rights for the remainder of the natural and spiritual lives of all parties involved;
9. That the Former Husband shall send every cent of his income, and 125% above his income, minimum, to the Former Wife under the guise of “child support”, back-dated to a time when the Former Husband and Former Wife had not actually had children yet, but in fact considered it, and actually the Former Husband shall owe back child support from the day he was conceived himself, as best may be determined, to ensure the Former Wife does not need to lower herself to employment and/or earning an honest paycheck;
10. That shall the Former Husband fail to make payment as stated above, he shall be instantly banished from the children’s lives (see #8 for full description of such banishment);
11. That if the Former Husband fails to dump That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up, and if he fails to collapse immediately into a quivering fetal position, barely twitching to betray he is still alive, affirming he is nothing and nobody without the Former Wife, then he shall be subject to the Punishment, Torment, Taunt, and Torture clause as described in #8;
12. That the Former Husband and sure as hell That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up best not dispute, challenge, question, argue, or disagree with any of the stipulations of this order, or any future stipulations the Former Wife may concoct, or any stipulations not laid out in this motion but may be in the future, as determined by the Former Wife, or else they shall again be subject to false allegations, lies, projections, and accusations, which not need be truthful, or even possible, so long as the Former Wife deems it proper;
13. That the Former Wife may add to this list at any time, with no prior approval, with no notification to the Former Husband, and with no responsibility to the children’s well-being, health, or care in any shape, form, or fashion, until the Earth has perished, and even after such event, if the Former Wife deems it so;
14. That the Former Husband shall pay all attorney fees related to this manner, all costs, fees, and monies due for his grisly demise, for all costs, fees, and monies dues to take That Damn Girlfriend Who Messed Everything Up to the grave with him, the expense of digging them both up so the Former Wife can spit on, slap, stomp on, and scream at them at her own convenience, will, and liking, and any and all costs associated with anything and everything in the Former Wife’s life, as deemed appropriate and necessary by her exclusively.
The Former Wife requests the Honorable Court to immediately order and enforce all of the stipulations above…or else be subject to Punishment, Torment, Taunt, and Torture clause as described in #8.
I. M. Evil