I haven’t been nearly as active on this blog as I was the first year, but I assure you the Smirking Cat is not going anywhere. It’s too much fun irking the haters who yowled so ungraciously to shut down my blog (and by “haters” I mean people who feebly claim to find me unpalatable yet still rack up my visitor stats with repeat hits each day, proving what I already knew to be true: they secretly covet me. Oh, and they have far more free time on their hands than any human being ever should).
In some ways I sense a softening of my blog over the past year, a result of several hard-core struggles that tore bits of my life to pieces. In the process of putting it all back together and moving on, I came to the realization that inner strength is sometimes peaceful, quiet, occasionally silent and still, known truly only to yourself; and if someone else wants to mistake that for weakening or faltering, well, it will ultimately be their unpleasant surprise.
I try to take more time now to sit on the floor to play with the kids, to set aside my endless to-do lists and what I imagine must be done in favor of what must be felt and loved, to realize that life is marching on whether everything on the calendar is crossed off or not, and I better embrace it while it’s still in my reach. All of it. I am better able to choose my battles and to laugh off those which are not worth pursuing. My eyes have opened to the futility of precious energy poured into combatting others’ immaturity and hatefulness. It is their choice to live with rotting hearts. I choose differently.
I don’t think it’s coincidence that after a year like this past one, I have finally started putting into place changes I have been attempting for years. My dead-end, low-paying job was slayed by the time and effort I put into my job search and into interviewing to land a job I wanted. After years of talk, I finally put my wants into action, because I stopped doubting myself or what I was capable of. And I am much happier for it…and just getting started.
There were many times this past year I questioned why I was writing what I was writing, why I was posting something so personal and close to my heart. It would have been much easier to keep up a steely persona and refuse to admit to fear, to tears, to self-doubt or questions about where the hell things were going, especially on a public blog. But what would be the point? That isn’t the truth. That isn’t real.
Things change. That is life. My blog has a different tone now, because I am a different person now, with a modified lens through which to view the world. My words will reflect that.
Thanks to everyone reading this, to everyone who has been reading for years or just stumbled across this blog today. But most of all, thanks to the cast of characters — Gary and the kids and three crazy cats–who color my life, brighten my days, and give me so much to write about!