"Mama Hates You"

This past weekend, one of the kids said to me: “Oh yeah, ‘cuz Mama hates you”.

Nonchalant, calm, like we were discussing the weather or what to watch on TV later.

I wanted to laugh and say “How is that for an understatement?”, but the truth is, there is absolutely nothing funny about children being that strongly aware of hateful feelings for someone they care about. I felt sad for the kids.

Long ago I adopted the policy of “If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all.” People’s actions speak for themselves, whether the kids understand it right now or not. They don’t need my commentary. Wrong is wrong, whether I explicitly point it out to the kids or not.

Unfortunately, that clearly hasn’t been the attitude adopted all around. The kids have been pulled into huddles as co-conspirators, urged to take pre-specified sides, punished for not hating me enough, for not turning against their father enough, for being children who just want to be loved and not deal with this churlish bullshit.

Who in their right mind would?

I have bitten my tongue until I was on the verge of severing it completely, and I admit there have been times I wondered why I bothered keeping quiet. If I ever wonder that again, I will simply picture an innocent child’s face repeating words of hate that never should have been spoken around the kids.

Kids=0; Hate=yet another point

*”Hate breeds in an empty heart” image created by me on ImageChef.com*

About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in hate, immaturity, kids, poor parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to "Mama Hates You"

  1. It just makes me so sick for all these poor kids who suffer through this. I watched my hubby's ex sit on the stand, wide-eyed and innocent, and testify that he was a good dad and she had no idea why he thought they couldn't work things out. Less than a month later she was posting blogs on myspace about how he ignores the kids, calls them cruel names and punishes them harshly for the slightest things. These poor kids are pulled in so many directions that they don't know which way is up. The most horrible part is, your stepkids will grow up and realize what their mother has done to them! Doesn't she know what she's destroying right now? How will they ever trust her again?

  2. so sad…

    Your image is great… and so true…

  3. Crys says:

    I can't remember if I ever posted about it but a year ago there was one dinner conversation with just me and the boys when Older Boy said to me “You hate mommy, don't you.” And it just blew me away, especially considering I too strive not to talk negatively about her to or in front of the kids. It made me wonder what types of efforts she's made to make this situation work. Good job biting your tongue without biting it off. I too have been in that situation.

  4. Amy says:

    Their mother is one sick woman. She really needs professional help!

  5. Smirking Cat says:

    The irony is how many times I have been accused of not being able to hide my hostility around the kids. (Can you say “projection”?)

  6. stepmumoftheyear says:

    Those moments suck, don't they?!

    I hear variants on all this stuff all the time, and I've (almost) always bitten my tongue, but sometimes I wonder whether silence = agreement, that I'm giving “her” views legitimacy by passively letting them wash over me.

    One to ask the counsellor, I guess…

  7. Smirking Cat says:

    I don't believe in silence when the kids really need to hear the truth. But that is different from simply bad-mouthing and making them listen to crap they don't need to hear. Personal feelings about anyone else are something they should not have to deal with.

  8. kelly says:

    I was the target of the ex's hate the second I said “I do”. The kids were NOT allowed to like me or say a kind word about me, our home, their father. My stepson was 6 and while he and I were building a birdhouse together he said, “I don't know why my mom hates you so much 'cause I think you're really nice!” I calmly asked if he ever told her that he thought I was nice and he shamefully lowered his head and slowly replied, “No, she doesn't like us to like you.”

    They were programmed to only tell her negative things, even made up, in order to get her approval. They were made to feel quilty if they acted happy to see us. I'll never forget his little, sad face.

  9. It is sad to see kids put in these situations. While BM doesn't go around bad mouthing us, she is always telling my SS how we don't do enough for her. We are always doing something mean to her. We have a house, so we should give her our old one, instead of selling it. 4 years after the divorce she wants a picture (a very nice picture of the ball stadium, and there were only 400 made) so now we should just give it to her, and if we don't then we are wronging her. I don't bad mouth BM back, but I do defend my Hubby and I. Sometimes it sinks in, sometimes it take repeating, but I think it helps.

  10. I find when moments like this come up to deflect from what the angry person says and ask the kiddo what she feels about the situation and what she should do about it.

    Child: “Mummy says you're stupid.”
    Stef “How does that make you feel when you hear that?”
    Child: “Sad.”
    Stef: “Well maybe you should tell your mum that it makes sad when she says that.”

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