Please allow me to explain why I was a tad late this morning. I am certain, after you read this, you will completely understand.
As I hustled to my front door on my way to work like a diligent employee, my black cat Rosie experienced an unexpected, dire emergency. He trotted after me to the door, eyes wide and sad, howling plaintively as if in excruciating pain. Like any good pet owner, I immediately deducted what was amiss.
He wanted to play.
Naturally I could not leave the scene of such an urgent matter. I sprang into action, rushing in to administer the treatment needed to relieve Rosie’s trauma.
I quickly grabbed a toy mouse and tossed it to him.
My quick thinking was rewarded by Rosie leaping frantically onto the toy mouse, dragging it on top of his favorite bench like a leopard making off to the highest limbs of a tree with a carcass, rabbit-kicking to his heart’s content and hugging that toy mouse to his belly like a teddy bear.
You may believe the crisis was diverted at this point. I gently correct you. You stated to me at one time that you “do not like cats”, and I generously have not held this against you…too much, only because you dispense a paycheck to me periodically, albeit not at dollar amounts congruent to my work load or effort, but that is another letter altogether, isn’t it?
I digress. My point was, your lack of affection for the superior feline species surely is your downfall, for you cannot fully understand that tossing the toy mouse just once is far from sufficient. To truly allay my cat’s distress, I was required to retrieve said mouse after he dropped it, toss it again, pick it back up, toss again…you get the picture.
Once the scene was secured and I confirmed there was no further anguish or suffering on the part of my cat, I made a swift departure and, not long after, arrived at the office feeling triumphant that a formidable crisis had been avoided.
I invite you to join in my revelry at the local pub, schedule permitting.
Your Favorite Employee,