What if the Kids Read Your Blog?

It’s not unusual for stepmoms frustrated by what they see to keep a blog documenting their struggles or venting their feelings. It’s not unusual for like-minded people to offer support, advice, or simply “I know how you feel”. It is not terribly unusual for someone watching young children being hatefully manipulated and used by a malicious biomom to occasionally lose the pasted-on smile and admit to real, guttural feelings that apparently the cozy world of “I-have-no-clue-what-it-is-like-to-be-in-your-shoes-but-I’m-going-to-flap-my-gums-anyway” cannot handle.

As soon as a stepmom reveals she may be feeling less than friendly about the children’s biological mother, along comes the collective gasp of horror, the fingers whipping out to jab at her accusingly, and the inevitable question: “What if the kids ever read that?”

I shrug my shoulders to these idiots and ask: yes, what if they do?

The question seems to generate from a wildly unrealistic stance that, should the kids never cast eyes upon their stepmom’s blog, then they will never, ever have an inkling that something is not quite right in their world!

Do we insult kids so much that we believe they don’t know, especially as they grow older, that they have been lied to? That they have been used? That someone they trust, love, and care about has not returned the favor?

I have a shocking revelation to make to these accusers. THE KIDS ALREADY KNOW.

Without ever seeing my blog, without sitting for hours reading my words like someone close to them has done for years, they already know there is something seriously fucked up in their lives. Every time kids sit in front of a police station waiting to be picked up by the other parent, because one of those parents cannot be trusted to behave properly without police intervention, I suspect the kids are clued in somewhat to the fact that something may be just a bit awry. Every time kids are subjected to another round of insults and put-downs about their other parent and their stepmom, they just might realize someone close to them has a serious problem. Every time another lie is dished out, every time the kids are commanded to lie, it is quite possible that the kids just might already know that the behavior of one parent is, at best, inappropriate, dangerous, disturbing, and embarrassing.

Poisonous parents are permitted to continue hurting kids by a negligent, malfunctioning court system, by lazy judges, by cash-loving lawyers, by a strong cultural bias that a 9-month womb-for-rent surely wouldn’t dream of psychologically or physically slaughtering her own child.

Children with a poisonous parent are subjected each day to lies, manipulation, abuse, slander about their other parent, and the threat and expectation that they will follow in these footsteps if they want to keep as much peace as is possible in a war zone.

And self-proclaimed gods of morality are worried about “What if the kids ever read your blog?”

Am I supposed to believe the kids don’t already know that something and someone in their lives is terribly wrong? Am I supposed to believe that, before reading my words, they are in naive bliss and joy, living a carefree life?

There is not a word I have written that is not true. If there is something upsetting about what I write, then it is the person performing the acts, not the fact that I tell it as it happened. I would be monstrously stupid to believe that reading my blog would be anywhere near as painful as living each day with the poison, lies, and manipulation the kids endure.

As the kids get older and have a stronger grasp on what is going on around them, there is going be anger. And questions. And disbelief. And a hell of a lot of hurt. Even more than they have already.

I have never told the kids that I have this blog. If they are aware of it, then someone else told them, likely in the hopes that it would make me look bad to be truthful about the disgusting behavior of others in their lives. I am not ashamed of being honest, and I am not ashamed of anything I have ever written here or elsewhere.

Pointing a finger at me or any other stepmom who blogs about the children’s pain or her own frustration is a flimsy smokescreen protecting a selfish, ugly biological parent who has failed as a parent, as a caretaker, as a person. Asking “What if the kids ever read your blog?” is the wrong question, the wrong focus.

If I and every stepmom across the world stopped blogging this very second, would the kids being manipulated and used by a biological parent suddenly be joyously worry-free, loved, happy, and healthy?

Please. Spare me.

I have never pretended to have kind feelings for or even a shred of respect for anyone who lies to children or bashes them around like weapons and tools. I don’t know why I would even want to pretend that is all right. What kind of message would it be?: “I know she lies to you and uses you, but hey, I’m cool with her.”

I’m not cool with that behavior and never will be. The children deserve one hell of an apology and a massive effort to repair what has been done wrong to them.

Are my words truly what they need to be protected from?

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About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in bloggers, Divorce Poison, kids, malicious mothers, poor parenting, stepmoms. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to What if the Kids Read Your Blog?

  1. What a very honest, and moving post. You are so right in so many ways, people asking those types of questions are the same people who cannot stop and think about the actual situation and look past what their own ideals of a perfect family are. I admit I was probably one of those people having never come from a divorced home, and was not a stepmom or knew of one who was. I lived in a bubble where all kids had great childhoods and parents could be strick but you could always count on them. I later learned that is not the case for all kids, and I am now in the middle of a situation where my SS is used as property to gain more money or control for his mother. It is sad and sick, but that is because his mom acts the way she does. No one is perfect but I acknowledge my flaws and as an important role in your family you must be there for your kids to show them the truth and be there when they need you.
    No one knows about my blog, and if someone finally figured it out one day, I wouldn't care. I have been open and honest and someday hope my SS reads it.

  2. Smirking Cat says:

    The most guilty parties in this situation already read my blog on a regular basis, and apparently trying to get me to stop writing is more paramount than stopping the horrific behavior that hurts the kids in the first place. That is pure insanity to me.

  3. Sharon says:

    This has been a hot topic recently on several blogs. While I respect you immensely and believe that your blog is your honest perception of your family situation, my opinion on this issue is different. I think that kids should not hear/see their parents or stepparents berate one another. They don't want to take sides, nor should they have to. They love all of their parents.

    I'm not saying there are no exceptions.
    If the child comes to you and wants to discuss something bio-mom said/did…
    If the police are involved…
    Obviously some explanation is necessary. But in most divorce cases, I think it's best to keep the kids out of the middle as much as possible.

    Just my 2 cents.

  4. Smirking Cat says:

    Sharon, I whole-heartedly agree the kids should be kept out of the middle. But when they have been deliberately and hatefully placed in the middle by someone who doesn't care what it does to them, I refuse to pretend that if I just pretend it's all A-okay, they won't have any idea something is seriously and dangerously wrong. The concept that reading my blog is somehow worse than what is done to them every single day is so misguided and unbelievable to me.

    I can't picture ever rounding up the kids, plopping them in front of a computer, and saying, “Voila! Read my blog!” But should they ever read it voluntarily when they are older, I don't believe I have anything to be ashamed of either.

  5. I know how you feel… People who go looking for trouble usually find it, and then they blame you for it. If you don't want your kids to read someone else blog… then don't give them the address! It is that simple.

    I like to say… Don't be pissed at me for pointing out your behavior…. be pissed at yourself for acting that way!

    People think that writing about these issues is the root of the problems… it isn't! The reason we need to blog is because of all the insane bullshit we have to go through! Take away the bullshit… and there isn't anything that is blogworthy left.

  6. Mister-M says:

    I'm sure you're not surprised that *I'm* here telling you what a well-written blog post this is and how much I wholeheartedly agree.

    The key now will be to see if the Family Court Machine goes the asinine direction that my documentation of our experiences (as anonymously as possible and still be a meaningfully helpful site) being more harmful to them than their mother actually perpetrating what I document.

    I would actually venture to say that the odds are not in my favor. But we'll see.

  7. Crys says:

    Well said. Even if it's not in a blog, say it's in a diary or hand-written journal I believe that everyone has to vent some of that out. Holding frustrations or feelings in isn't good for anyone.

  8. ChapmansRus says:

    I'm on the fence about this topic… and as Sharon pointed out, this HAS been a very hot topic lately… I've been in the middle of this fire…

    And since I KNOW my SD's read my blog, how to I write honestly without the backlash? I can't, unless I play ignorant & avoid anything that really matters… like the truth about how things are. Everytime I've spoken up about what's going on, I get blasted for “saying mean things about mom” Because I'm just a big meany… or fat cow, whichever.. Even though she's the one that turned them against my hubby & I & my kids… she's the one who has told them their stepdad is their new daddy & that they don't have to come here if they're uncomfortable… We haven't seen them in two years because of this.. because life is all about THEM being “happy”…

    Sorry… went off on a tangent…

    Nicely written post! 🙂

  9. Big Boops says:

    This is really tough. I write ever so often about our biomom or Shitbag Whore (SBW) as we call her. 🙂

    Luckily, my stepson can't read yet, so I've got awhile before this becomes an issue. But I believe with my whole heart that when he is grown he will see his mother for who she is. Not because of my blog, but because of her actions.

    Although, on the flip side, my husband still doesn't really grasp how his own mothers behavior was wrong when his parents divorced 25 years ago. Sadly, at the end of the day we all want our parents to be the heros we imagine them to be.

    But I will never sit my stepson down and tell him anything. I don't need to do that. I love him more than that. But I WILL be here for him when he figures it out.

  10. Well written and very powerful. Good job! I have to agree with you. I didn't create my SD's split up, war torn, hateful parental life. I just write about it.

  11. Smirking Cat, I think I love you.

    This is exactly how I feel, but better-written than I could have done.

    One of the things I've often admired about your blog is how you refrain from making negative comments about how the other party is hurting you, and instead acknowledge the reality of her actions and the impact it has on the kids. I've always thought your first focus was Gary's children, and I'm very happy to read this post. You just proved that you can be honest without being vindictive.

    My stepkids know what their mother is like but they haven't seen a lot of the nitty gritty. They don't know that she accused their father of sexually molesting them or calling them names. They do know that she says he doesn't love them, that he's not their father, and so on. They also know that she's not a dependable person. Birthday parties never happen, the kids' needs aren't met, Santa never came back after leaving a letter saying he would. They don't need me to tell them these things…they already know.

  12. badbadwebbis says:

    Well, I don't think my steps or their mother will look for a blog from me, so I don't think I have to worry about them invading it since I have made it difficult to identify who I actually am.

    BUT – I am trying to keep my reeeeeeeeally vent-y and vituperative posts about Um as entirely private so that no one can see them and be hurt by them. If I need to put my complaints out for advice then I'll just have to tone it down.

    I do think, though, that pretending that there's no problems around the children when it is painfully obvious that someone is manipulating someone else is ostrich behavior and does hurt the children in the long run. —mrs ellenoy

  13. H. Kids says:

    If in any case kids read your blog then their will be no any guilty so don't bother about that.

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