It’s not unusual for stepmoms frustrated by what they see to keep a blog documenting their struggles or venting their feelings. It’s not unusual for like-minded people to offer support, advice, or simply “I know how you feel”. It is not terribly unusual for someone watching young children being hatefully manipulated and used by a malicious biomom to occasionally lose the pasted-on smile and admit to real, guttural feelings that apparently the cozy world of “I-have-no-clue-what-it-is-like-to-be-in-your-shoes-but-I’m-going-to-flap-my-gums-anyway” cannot handle.
As soon as a stepmom reveals she may be feeling less than friendly about the children’s biological mother, along comes the collective gasp of horror, the fingers whipping out to jab at her accusingly, and the inevitable question: “What if the kids ever read that?”
I shrug my shoulders to these idiots and ask: yes, what if they do?
The question seems to generate from a wildly unrealistic stance that, should the kids never cast eyes upon their stepmom’s blog, then they will never, ever have an inkling that something is not quite right in their world!
Do we insult kids so much that we believe they don’t know, especially as they grow older, that they have been lied to? That they have been used? That someone they trust, love, and care about has not returned the favor?
I have a shocking revelation to make to these accusers. THE KIDS ALREADY KNOW.
Without ever seeing my blog, without sitting for hours reading my words like someone close to them has done for years, they already know there is something seriously fucked up in their lives. Every time kids sit in front of a police station waiting to be picked up by the other parent, because one of those parents cannot be trusted to behave properly without police intervention, I suspect the kids are clued in somewhat to the fact that something may be just a bit awry. Every time kids are subjected to another round of insults and put-downs about their other parent and their stepmom, they just might realize someone close to them has a serious problem. Every time another lie is dished out, every time the kids are commanded to lie, it is quite possible that the kids just might already know that the behavior of one parent is, at best, inappropriate, dangerous, disturbing, and embarrassing.
Poisonous parents are permitted to continue hurting kids by a negligent, malfunctioning court system, by lazy judges, by cash-loving lawyers, by a strong cultural bias that a 9-month womb-for-rent surely wouldn’t dream of psychologically or physically slaughtering her own child.
Children with a poisonous parent are subjected each day to lies, manipulation, abuse, slander about their other parent, and the threat and expectation that they will follow in these footsteps if they want to keep as much peace as is possible in a war zone.
And self-proclaimed gods of morality are worried about “What if the kids ever read your blog?”
Am I supposed to believe the kids don’t already know that something and someone in their lives is terribly wrong? Am I supposed to believe that, before reading my words, they are in naive bliss and joy, living a carefree life?
There is not a word I have written that is not true. If there is something upsetting about what I write, then it is the person performing the acts, not the fact that I tell it as it happened. I would be monstrously stupid to believe that reading my blog would be anywhere near as painful as living each day with the poison, lies, and manipulation the kids endure.
As the kids get older and have a stronger grasp on what is going on around them, there is going be anger. And questions. And disbelief. And a hell of a lot of hurt. Even more than they have already.
I have never told the kids that I have this blog. If they are aware of it, then someone else told them, likely in the hopes that it would make me look bad to be truthful about the disgusting behavior of others in their lives. I am not ashamed of being honest, and I am not ashamed of anything I have ever written here or elsewhere.
Pointing a finger at me or any other stepmom who blogs about the children’s pain or her own frustration is a flimsy smokescreen protecting a selfish, ugly biological parent who has failed as a parent, as a caretaker, as a person. Asking “What if the kids ever read your blog?” is the wrong question, the wrong focus.
If I and every stepmom across the world stopped blogging this very second, would the kids being manipulated and used by a biological parent suddenly be joyously worry-free, loved, happy, and healthy?
Please. Spare me.
I have never pretended to have kind feelings for or even a shred of respect for anyone who lies to children or bashes them around like weapons and tools. I don’t know why I would even want to pretend that is all right. What kind of message would it be?: “I know she lies to you and uses you, but hey, I’m cool with her.”
I’m not cool with that behavior and never will be. The children deserve one hell of an apology and a massive effort to repair what has been done wrong to them.
Are my words truly what they need to be protected from?