Couldn’t Do It

Dropping the kids off at the police station is never a terribly pleasant, warm-and-fuzzy experience. Being forced to do so because of the highly selfish and horrifying behavior of so-called caregivers in the children’s lives is disturbing enough. But this past weekend was even more difficult because Bear and Sunflower had a rough time saying good-bye.

When Bear got out of our car, he hugged me tight. I hugged him back and at first thought he was laughing. When he lifted his head to face me, though, he looked absolutely crushed, and tears burned paths down his cheeks. He looked so hurt. I felt tears in my own eyes just watching the pain in his.

The kids never asked for any of this. Their lives have been turned upside down, shaken, mangled, and spit out, and through it all, the only explanations they have received from the guilty parties are more lies and manipulation.

“I don’t want to go.”

Gary and I have heard these words countless times, and it never gets easier. It is not about a popularity contest, a competition, or scoring points. It is about children who desperately want both parents in their lives, but are told to choose one and not the other. It tears them apart.

It would be so much easier for them to make the transition from home to home if they had never heard shouted threats of never seeing Daddy again. It would be so much easier for them if they had never watched adults they are supposed to be able to trust screaming like hysterical brats at me, at their father. It would be so much easier for them if everyone prioritized them.

As Gary and I drove home after dropping off the kids, I tried to imagine either of us using the kids as weapons, as pawns, shoving them about to suit ourselves, deaf to their cries. I tried to imagine refusing to let Gary know about the kids’ events, just so I could have the shallow thrill of knowing he wasn’t there, even though the kids wanted him to be. I tried to imagine being so immature that I had to remove Dove’s or Sunflower’s nail polish the instant they hit the door if it was applied by the other parent, no matter how much they wanted to keep it on. I tried to imagine being driven by insane pettiness to destroy clothing, shoes, and toys the children cherished, simply because the items were given to them by the other parent.

I couldn’t imagine it. Neither Gary nor I would ever do any of those things to the kids. Because ultimately, that is what it comes down to: the kids pay the price for all of it.

I could not look into the kids’ faces and say, “I know what I am about to do is going to hurt you, but I’m going to do it anyway because I only care about me.”

But this is exactly what they live with on an ongoing basis from someone who claims to love them. Sorry, I don’t buy it. Love is not abuse, manipulation, lying, and using.

It is filth for the word “love” to come from the mouth of someone who truly only loves herself.

About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in kids, lying, malicious parents, shitty parents. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Couldn’t Do It

  1. furiousBall says:

    so sad, you and Gary are doing good. focus on what you can control

  2. Smirking Cat says:

    The saddest part is, all of this is within the control of the parties involved. No one has accidentally lied to the kids. No one has inadvertently made the kids feel like they have to choose a side. All of the pain the kids deal with was given to them on purpose by people they trust.

    There is no more miserable, pathetic, worthless person than someone who deliberately hurts a child.

  3. i say just show them all the LOVE you guys can.. as i know ya'll do…

    but what IS so sad about it.. is what kind of effects will this have when the kids are grown..?

    THAT'S the sad part.. and that other parties seem not to care…

  4. Mister-M says:

    Or out of the mouth of someone who has absolutely ZERO concept of what love actually is at all… even the selfish type of love of one's self to which you allude.

  5. Crys says:

    It's ridiculous and unfathomable how some adults act and treat innocent children. The kiddos are lucky to have you and Gary as examples of what real unconditional love is all about.

  6. Thats terrible, you are 100% right, the kids pay for all of it. Makes you sick doesn't it? When will it end? When will these parents suffer or be punished for their acts against the other parent, against the kids? They should have their rights taken away, they do not deserve to be parents.

  7. macocha says:

    Someone once told me that I can't understand that concept because I, myself, could never stoop to that level. It is horrific and sad what the children have to go through when that is being done – it is tearing those kids' insides up. I am sorry (((hugs))) to all.

  8. Jessica says:

    You have a great blog. I am a child of an alienated parent, but my mom was not like what you and gary sound like. I am so sad for the kids. So sad… Parents need to put the children first. Pride, revenge or whatever should go out the window and they have to act like the adults they should be. Sounds like you and gary are doing all the right things. I hope it gets better for you all.

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