If my life goal happened to be becoming one of the worst parents imaginable, I have had plenty of mentoring by a Malicious Mother of the Year. What are some of the lessons I have learned? Let’s review (quiz later)!
Here are some of the tried-and-tested guidelines I have seen in action if you wish to truly suck at mothering:
1. Lie. A lot. To your kids, to your friends (i.e., individuals foolish enough to tolerate your company), hell, to anyone who will listen. (Lying in court = extra credit.)
2. Play the victim to the hilt! Nothing is your fault. Nay, everything is your ex-husband’s fault. Lie, rinse, blame, repeat.
3. Accept no adult responsibilities. Extra credit for living with your enabling parents. Just call it your house so you don’t feel so pathetic. (Refer to #1 as a refresher course on lying).
4. Refuse to tell your ex-husband about any of the kids’ school activities to keep him as out of touch as possible. Get angry if your ex-husband sidesteps your bullshit by contacting the kids’ teachers directly. What kind of pain-in-the-ass father wants to be involved in the children’s educations, anyway?
5. Make sure you hire a lawyer who lies as much as you do. Luckily, morally-bankrupt, child-hating, lying assholes are not hard to find in family law circles.
6. If your ex-husband moves on and dates someone else, hate his new partner. Oh, obsess about her and follow her and imitate her and live for her blog posts…but hate her.
7. Enlist your enabling parents in your hate campaign. Given that you came by your case of the crazies genetically, this won’t be difficult.
8. Agreement? What agreement? Court documents and agreements don’t apply to you because they only apply to human beings (which implies the possession of both a brain and a heart, and if you take bad parenting seriously, you will behave as if you have neither).
9. Interfere with the kids’ time with their father as much as you possibly can. The kids’ exposure to a caring, mature parent who teaches them ghastly things like honesty cannot be tolerated.
10. If the children absolutely must spend time with their father, pounce upon the opportunity to interrogate the kids later about their father’s personal life. No question is too inappropriate when your out-of-control jealousy is involved!
11. Talk to the kids like they are idiots. Keeping their self-esteem clipped short will prevent independent thought and recognition that you suck.
12. When in public, pretend to be Mommy 2.0: loving, protective, doing all you can for those poor, poor children neglected by their good-for-nothing father (dramatic sigh). No one will give you the sympathy you crave if they know what an asshole you are, so put on a good act!
13. If you can’t remember all of these guidelines, just fall back on the golden rule: It’s all about YOU! The kids are puppets, tools, weapons, or pawns, depending on your current needs. As long as you are happy in the end, all that blood on your hands is well worth it.
One final word about your ex-husband’s new girlfriend (I’ve learned this one from first-hand experience): BLOG STALKING.
Okay, that is actually two words. I lied (refer back to #1).