So it was with Legion, and despite negative reviews that warned me not to waste 100 minutes on this film, I rented it anyway. And even though the movie came out over a year ago, I’m going to make you suffer through my review of it anyway.
Here’s the gist: God gets pissed off at the human race because we fight and kill and rumble too much, so in order to remedy that, he sends his minion angels to fight, kill, and rumble, in essence destroying the human race and for whatever reason that goes unexplained, preventing the birth of the humanity-saving baby of a chain-smoking, white trash twit who loiters at a remote truck stop and calls it “waitressing”.
Michael is the only angel who thinks God’s plan is a bit much, and he joins forces with humanity to stop the other angels from exterminating people. I will stop there, because really, the story has so many holes in it and is so weakly thought-out that it barely made sense anyway.
We are, presumably, supposed to feel moved to root for the handful of people holed up at the truck stop with the pregnant woman, but after one doofus moment after another, I was hoping the angels would haul off and drop a nuclear bomb and call it a day. Alas, they took the old-fashioned approach and possessed people and drove up to the truck stop with their headlights on to signal their approach, a courteous gesture considering their mission.
As Michael repeatedly saves these numbskulls from their own foolish and idiotic choices, I ended up wondering why he didn’t toss up his hands, decide God and the angels were right after all, and switch sides, finally recognizing that on Earth, he is truly surrounded by idiots. Michael steadfastly turns a deaf ear and blind eye to the blundering morons’ stupidity, however, and fights on.
Let’s skip to the end of this banal, mind-rotting bore-fest, when Gary and I laughed uproariously at the newborn baby, who must be made of steel and a descendent of the Terminator, given that the baby survives being dropped, thrown, tossed about in a car accident, and mishandled by a simpleton mother. The movie went from ridiculous to ludicrous, and it ended not a moment too soon.
If you are like me and wait until years after a movie hits the theaters to get around to seeing it, then maybe you are one of the fortunate few who have yet to watch Legion. In that case, I consider my work here done if I can spare even one life from sitting through this movie!