What Does It Feel Like?

There are many things I have observed over the past several years that leave me incredulously wondering. I honestly don’t understand and can’t grasp wanting to live life the way some people do.

What does it feel like to voluntarily mooch from your parents at the ripe old age of 40? I fiercely value my independence. I pay my own bills, buy my own clothes, and take care of myself. There is nothingworth abnegating my independence to subserviently suckle as an adult, and I have no respect for someone who has deliberately regressed to making helplessness a permanent way of life.I am not speaking of a temporary arrangement until someone gets back on her feet, or a holding pattern after a string of bad luck; I am speaking of an intentional abdication of adult responsibilities and the result of mommy and daddy knowing full well she cannot handle being on her own, thanks to her own weak will and obtuseness.

I would feel deeply ashamed for the kids to see me choose to live this way. How could the kids possibly look up to me as capable of caring for them if they had to squat down to meet my eyes as I get my ass wiped by my daddy?

What does it feel like to refuse to work for anything yet expect everything? I have never had a sense of entitlement, likely due to growing up with two working parents who had nothing handed to them. I don’t expect or want anything handed to me, either. I am capable of acquiring what I need and want with my own two hands.

How does someone look in the mirror and meet even her own eyes, knowing nothing she has was brought about by her own doing? How does someone take pride in relying completely on infantile tactics instead of self-reliance?

As always, it circles back to the kids: what are they learning by watching self-proclaimed adults demand undeserved hand-outs and handle all conflict by screaming, launching toddler-worthy tantrums, and shrieking for someone else to take care of it for them? How can anyone pride themselves in trying to teach her children to be as wantonly pathetic as she is?

What does it feel like to love no one but yourself? There are times just hearing Gary’s voice, just holding his hand, just feeling his arms around me makes me feel safe and happy. To not know what genuine, selfless love feels like is an empty, worthless life.

To regard the kids as property to maneuver and use to my own advantage, to have all of my human relationships revolve around only what they can bring to me, do for me, and how they benefit me monetarily, is an existence I could not tolerate. I would rather struggle the rest of my life yet share honest love with Gary and the kids than have all of my relationships boil down to a one-sided business deal and loveless financial transactions and manipulations.

What does it feel like to know that if others truly knew you, they would be repulsed by you? What does it feel like to live lie-to-lie because the truth beneath it all is: you are abjectly worthless?

Ultimately, I am relieved that I have no idea what any of these feel like, and I don’t really want to know. To know would mean giving up parts of me, parts of my nature and my heart and my being, that I deeply value and treasure.

The fact that I know someone who is quite intimate with how all of these feel, and who shamelessly lacks the class and integrity to desire to improve herself, is testament to the depths humanity can degrade to in order to serve its ugly and vile self. I walk away with disbelief that anyone chooses to live this way, to be this way, yet even more secure in my faith that not understanding and wanting no part of it leaves me a far better person.

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About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in assholes, independence, self reliance, useless people, using kids, weak people. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to What Does It Feel Like?

  1. This is so true. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I HAD to be supported and taken care of by others because I was permanently incapapble of doing it for myself. Some people, typically women like Gary's ex, feel that the world (and everyone else) owes them because they reproduced objects to use and manipulate to benefit themselves. Isn't that why we have children?! (sarcasm)

  2. Crys says:

    I ask myself the same things sometimes. Know that you and Gary offer the example of being the better people, even though your time with them is limited. They'll know the difference when they are older.

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