I would feel deeply ashamed for the kids to see me choose to live this way. How could the kids possibly look up to me as capable of caring for them if they had to squat down to meet my eyes as I get my ass wiped by my daddy?
What does it feel like to refuse to work for anything yet expect everything? I have never had a sense of entitlement, likely due to growing up with two working parents who had nothing handed to them. I don’t expect or want anything handed to me, either. I am capable of acquiring what I need and want with my own two hands.
How does someone look in the mirror and meet even her own eyes, knowing nothing she has was brought about by her own doing? How does someone take pride in relying completely on infantile tactics instead of self-reliance?
As always, it circles back to the kids: what are they learning by watching self-proclaimed adults demand undeserved hand-outs and handle all conflict by screaming, launching toddler-worthy tantrums, and shrieking for someone else to take care of it for them? How can anyone pride themselves in trying to teach her children to be as wantonly pathetic as she is?
What does it feel like to love no one but yourself? There are times just hearing Gary’s voice, just holding his hand, just feeling his arms around me makes me feel safe and happy. To not know what genuine, selfless love feels like is an empty, worthless life.
To regard the kids as property to maneuver and use to my own advantage, to have all of my human relationships revolve around only what they can bring to me, do for me, and how they benefit me monetarily, is an existence I could not tolerate. I would rather struggle the rest of my life yet share honest love with Gary and the kids than have all of my relationships boil down to a one-sided business deal and loveless financial transactions and manipulations.
What does it feel like to know that if others truly knew you, they would be repulsed by you? What does it feel like to live lie-to-lie because the truth beneath it all is: you are abjectly worthless?
Ultimately, I am relieved that I have no idea what any of these feel like, and I don’t really want to know. To know would mean giving up parts of me, parts of my nature and my heart and my being, that I deeply value and treasure.
The fact that I know someone who is quite intimate with how all of these feel, and who shamelessly lacks the class and integrity to desire to improve herself, is testament to the depths humanity can degrade to in order to serve its ugly and vile self. I walk away with disbelief that anyone chooses to live this way, to be this way, yet even more secure in my faith that not understanding and wanting no part of it leaves me a far better person.