If you don’t want me to make fun of something, please don’t make it impossible for me not to, or practically beg me to mock you. Case in point: PrayFit, the 33-Day Total Body Challenge. How did I stumble across this gem, if I wasn’t actively looking for Sweatin’ with Jesus videos? It was actually emailed to me by Collage Video, a company I generally like and have ordered from before. Amazingly enough, and maybe not surprisingly, PrayFit was going for a reduced price.
“In Jesus’ name we train!” is the battle cry of this 36-minute workout. I couldn’t help but snicker. That simply sounds absurd. I pictured Jesus leading an aerobics class, cross-embellished sweat band, robe a-swishing as he leapt about, condemning calories and fat cells to eternal hell.
I can see the link between spirituality, of respecting and taking care of the body and the soul together, not one over the other. I get that, even if I don’t buy into organized religion as little more than (a) a way for assholes to hide behind a crucifix and pretend to be better people than they truly are (a la Crow), and (b) the mightiest fear factor leveraged to control and manipulate people. But what is the reason, pray tell, that damn near everything I see that is heavily religion-oriented is so cheesy, so lame, so fake, so easy to make fun of?
Maybe PrayFit isn’t your style. Maybe you would rather force your children to work out with God instead. Your prayers are answered! Pop in the PraiseMoves for Children DVD, and your kids can delight in “Walkin’ Wisdom Warm-Ups!” Designed to help children “memorize scripture” (a recurring theme in brainwashing children, as seen in the kids’ church-hosted activities in Hickville), the DVD also includes “a special invitation to receive Christ”, so your kids can cram religion down other kids’ throats and be as annoying as grown-ups. Act now, and they may include a battering ram to improve your persuasion tactics.
Perhaps I could take these ventures more seriously if they weren’t so insanely ridiculous and mind-numbingly moronic. A Step in Faith, for instance, is a step workout that vows to “bring the most important element into fitness: God!” Unless God is going to spot me, hand me my towel, fill my water bottle, or count my reps, he is about as important to my workout as a bag of rocks.
The fact that these so-called faith-based DVDs sound trite, use dumbed-down language, and use! too! many! exclamation! points!, just reassures me that they were certainly not marketed to someone like me and are best left collecting dust on the shelf, next to someone’s dog-eared Tammy Fay Bakker books and aptly-titled Idiot’s Guide to the Bible.
Christian-workout-dvd.com primly assures us that their yoga DVDs are based upon Christian themes, not the Buddhist practices that will drop you straight to hell. That’s good, because I surely wouldn’t want to be suckered into such a heinous act as engaging in traditional yoga.
Dear Lord, may the ground open beneath me immediately if I strike even one non-Christian yoga pose, and plummet me directly and immediately to hell, never to be coaxed into memorizing Bible verses, training in Jesus’ name, or inviting my friends to accept Christ as I work out ever again…
Hey, come to think of it, that doesn’t sound all bad. Sign me up for some yoga.