How Does It Feel?

I must admit to the occasional moment, probably due to random hormonal shifts or a temporarily misfiring synapse, when I actually feel a small twinge of sympathy for Crow.  Yes, believe it or not, sometimes, briefly, I do feel sorry for her.

It doesn’t last long, mind you.  Her brand of craziness is chosen, and her behavior and actions, however inexcusable, are deliberately orchestrated by her own hand.

But I have to wonder, after more than five years of shaking my head at Crow’s choices, what on earth can it possibly feel like?

What does it feel like to be so obsessed with me that she makes the conscious decision to follow me around online, use Wolverine’s facebook account to gain access to my profile (yes, that ploy wasn’t terribly discreet, Oh-Sly-One), and actually drive by our home?

What does it feel like to make her entire life revolve around a long-dead relationship she personally destroyed and a man who loves someone else?

What does it feel like to know her parents accept her incompetence and ineptitude so completely, they don’t even question her continued presence in their home and in their wallets five and a half years later?

What does it feel like, at the end of the day, to know that every decision she made was based on pleasing herself, and not one second’s thought was wasted upon considering the kids’ feelings or needs?

What does it feel like to settle for an artificial, arranged relationship with an equally desperate and unmarketable partner (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Uncle Fester with bloat), because no one else would ever tolerate her hysterics, outbursts, obsession with her ex-husband and his love, and her failure to create a life and move on?

What does it feel like to lie constantly about yourself so you don’t appear quite as completely pathetic to others?

Watching Crow pretend she is anything but a stalker and a loser is extremely sad.  How can she have no desire to be better than what she is?  How can she not want to do and be better for the kids’ sake?

In order to change or improve for the kids, though, she would have to care about them in the first place.  I suppose I’ve answered my own question.

I couldn’t settle for lying non-stop to pretend I was somebody more than what I am.  I couldn’t settle for surrounding myself only with people weak-minded enough to swallow my lies and not question anything I put in front of them.  Most importantly, I couldn’t force the kids to settle for less just to make myself happy.

About TheSmirkingCat

I am endlessly trying to make sense of a world that has completely and unapologetically lost its mind.
This entry was posted in better than that, liars, losers, pathetic assholes, stalkers. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to How Does It Feel?

  1. Amy says:

    She's too blind to see past the nose on the end of her face. She's so busy trying to figure out how to get someone to make her happy, she hasn't figured out that the only one who can make her happy is HERSELF. She has to find a life and move on. Only then will she become human instead of a self-centered miserable harpy who abuses her children in the name of “mothering”

  2. Smirking Cat says:

    She doesn't seem to realize everyone thinks she is pathetic, whether they say it or not. Ignorance is bliss…Everyone around her knows exactly what she is, but lying and playing along is easier than accepting the truth. I couldn't stand being so weak-willed and mindless.

  3. Wow – do I understand correctly…she still lives with her parents?

    Okay, now on to what I really wanted to say…I struggle often, like you, with having moments of wanting to empathize with MD. I see her as someone desperate to control everyone around her because she doesn't know how real love is achieved in life. It is really sad. But, like you, it's hard to feel too sorry for someone that seems to take pleasure in making your life miserable. Thankfully, she has seemingly moved on now and she is behaving much better. She seems to have let go of her sick attachment to my husband and I and is now finding other things/people/ways to control in order to fill the voids in her life. I just prepare myself for the likelihood her behavior will one day revert.

    Like you have said in comments on my blog…the only answer that is NEVER wrong is focusing all your love and energy on the children involved and doing your best to shield them from any anger on your end. Unfortunately, you can't shield them from the anger on their Mom's end…and you shouldn't be afraid to be yourself with them for fear of how she will react.

  4. Crys says:

    She seems to be so deep in the hole she's dug that she probably even believes all the lies and junk she's created. I couldn't imagine what it must be like to be full of that much anger and bitterness. I bet it's not fun though.

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