After nine years of dealing with a jealous, psychotic bio-mom with a raging case of crazies, you’d think I’d be numb and jaded to it all. In some ways, I am. Not much surprises me anymore, though occasionally, even as devastatingly low as my expectations are for Crow, she still manages to slither even lower and make me shake my head in disgust.
There are some things I will never get used to. There are some things I will never understand. I’m glad. That means I am so far removed from the filth of her that I can’t grasp or fathom her detestable putrescence.
What does it feel like to look at the kids, and see not children, not people, but pawns and tools and dollar signs?
What does it feel like to hear them cry and not care that you caused it?
What does it feel like to shamelessly lie to their faces, looking into those innocent eyes, knowing they trust you, even though they shouldn’t?
What does it feel like to obsess endlessly over your ex-husband’s “new” girlfriend…for nine years? Further, what does it feel like to know that she is not only younger, but far more attractive, and much more successful, independent, and stronger than you can ever dream of being?
What does it feel like to have absolutely no responsibility for your own life, your own actions, and to be completely dependent upon your father well into your 40’s? What does it feel like to practically still have your diaper changed instead of even trying to be a competent adult?
What does it feel like to know that absolutely nothing you have, nothing you use, was actually earned by or paid for by you?
What does it feel like to lie and make up stories to cover your own pathetic-ness, like telling people, during the eight years you lived with your father, that it was actually your house and you just let him stay there? (Yes…sad as that is…Crow did this).
What does it feel like to know that no one respects you unless your daddy has paid them handsomely to pretend they do?
What does it feel like to desperately lust after and beg for attention from your ex-husband, nearly a decade after he escaped from you and upgraded?
What does it feel like to have to harass, stalk, dig at, hound, taunt, poke, and jab your ex-husband so he will hopefully pay attention to you?
What does it feel like to know you are an excruciating embarrassment to your father, your stepmother, and to anyone else who knows you?
What does it feel like to not care about the kids’ feelings, lives, well-being, emotions?
What does it feel like to put your own selfish wants ahead of the kids and not concern yourself with stomping on them or destroying them to make yourself feel good?
It must be quite simple for Crow, only caring about herself, at the expense of all else. Unfortunately, that includes the kids. To even imagine what it feels like to be her makes my skin crawl.
I can tell you how it feels to be the one holding a crying child, being asked “Why does Mama lie so much?”, trying to explain how she can do the things she does, listening to the frustration and pain and disappointment as a child realizes, again, that their mother has stomped on them and doesn’t care. It’s not fun. I can tell you I’ve been the one with a child clutching my shirt and sobbing uncontrollably because of something his or her own mother has done. As heart-wrenching as it is, at least I have never been the one who has hurt them or made them cry. Their own mother claimed that crown long ago. She can keep it. I am sure she gladly will.