There are things that annoy me with mind-blowing intensity, that sometimes I can’t even completely explain why. They just do. They scratch ragged fingernails down my jagged nerves and simply must be stopped. Now.
- Multiple exclamation points
So-called adults revert to over-emotional and hopelessly immature adolescents, typically on facebook, and share creative genius with us such as “OMG!!!!!” or “Love it!!!!!” Please, just stop. Slap yourself, or I will do it for you. Nothing makes someone appear less intelligent or more childish than a string of needless exclamation points. (And, please note, they are always needless.)
2. Carrying a gigantic purse on your elbow
I carry a purse every day. I manage to do it without lugging a purse as big as a body bag, draping it in the crook of my elbow, and bending my wrist just so until I achieve maximum snotty-and-pretentious status.
The strap is made to sling conveniently over your shoulder, not dangle from your elbow. I can fathom no logical reason to carry any purse on your elbow and then limpen your wrist.
3. Cowboy boots with shorts
I can’t even attach a picture to demonstrate this absurd fashion no, because just looking at photos of idiots wearing cowboy boots with shorts annoys me greatly. I’m not a fan of cowboy boots, period, but pairing them with shorts is especially twittish. I imagine these fluffheads fancy themselves starring in a #1 hit country music video, vapidly gushing, “I am sooooo country!”, yet I am quite sure few if any have the faintest concept what living in the country entails or means. Plus, it simply looks stupid as hell.
4. Scarves. In summer.
I get it, scarves are trendy right now, and most people flock mindlessly and lemming-like to whatever Cosmo commands them to wear. I didn’t like scarves even when I endured harsh northern winters, but I ask you, why on earth do you need a thick tube of woolly fabric around your silly neck in the heat of summer? Are you cold or are you hot? Do you even know anymore, or do you need to refer to your latest copy of the most recent fashion magazine to be able to shake out an answer?
You may also take note of the large purse draped in her elbow (refer back to #2).
5. Extreme cut-off shorts
No picture for this one either, because (a) you already know exactly what I am talking about, and (b) I don’t want my blog to be flagged as containing adult material. We all know you have an ass. What is with the urgent, desperate attempt to flaunt your nearly-bare rear at random passers-by and practically shriek “Please look at my butt cheeks!” (Note that I only used one exclamation point there. Refer back to #1.)
When people in extremely short shorts sit down in a restaurant, movie theater, car, park bench, or anywhere else, their already too-short shorts are going to ride up and therefore plant bare ass cheeks on the seat. Think about that next time you sit down in public.
That’s only five, but believe me, I could go on. And on. Maybe there will be a part 2, then 3. But for now, I want to know: what is on your list of random rants?