Out of curiosity, I scrolled back to see when I wrote the first post on this blog. Well, hey! It just happened to be in October of 2007. Wow, my first post here was 10 years ago.
Most of the people who commented on my blog, and who I followed, from back then are no longer active. Their pages stand in memorial, with post dates from 2014 or even older, untouched.
What made me even look to see how long ago I started this virtual chicken scratch? I haven’t written here terribly consistently for quite some time, but if anyone from way back when is still around, I figured an update was long overdue.
When I first started this blog, my older stepson, Wolverine, was 7 years old. He loved to draw, loved comic books, and would barely wait for me to sit down before he climbed into my lap, chatting non-stop.
I always thought of Wolverine as having nerve endings on the outside of his body, and feelers a mile long. Even as a small child, he was always scanning people for their moods, painfully sensitive to anything out of whack. That particular trait has been used against him, over and over again, through the years. Instead of celebrating his gentleness and ability to immediately pick up on people’s feelings, he’s been manipulated, twisted, frozen out emotionally until he bends to Crow’s will. His own heart has been used against him for so long that I don’t even know if he realizes it’s happening.
It’s occurred to me, more than once, that the kids are willing to throw us under the bus in order to maintain peace and “love” from Crow because they know, in their hearts, that Gary and I will never turn our backs on them out of anger. They also know the same is far from true about Crow. If they are not kowtowing to her wants and demands, she will shut them out. If they are not performing for her, following her script, she doesn’t love them, doesn’t have a use for them. It’s become easier to make her happy by shitting on us. The path of least resistance. I don’t agree with it, and I don’t condone it, but I sort of understand where it’s coming from.
Their personalities are very different from mine. If there is anything I could change about the kids, it would be removing some of their intense, needless caring about what other people think. I would love to give them just a bit of my don’t-give-a-shit-ness. The freezing out, silent treatment, I-won’t-love-you crap wouldn’t work with me, because I would shrug and go about my business. Their painful sensitivity to whether their mother is happy with them or not has been bred, reinforced, beaten into them.
Next week, Wolverine leaves for boot camp. I have mixed feelings about it. I’m excited for him, eager for him to get away from the toxicity of his mother and her stranglehold. I am also worried about the other 3 kids, because Crow’s focus has typically been Wolverine. Once he’s gone, she will need to single out one of the younger kids to twist even more than she already has, to shove around, to interrogate, to rage to, to force into her demented corner.
This could be a new start for Wolverine, a chance to get out of the cage and see what he can do on his own. I hope to god he takes it. I hope he walks away and never looks back.