“Hate, baby, hate
When there’s nothing left for you.”
~ INXS, New Sensation
My adoration for 80s music aside, I love this lyric. I’ve always liked that song, but those particular words take on new meaning now, knowing and seeing what I do now.
I’m no Pollyana, but I am not an especially negative person either. I prefer to pay attention to the beauty, happiness, and humor in my life instead of the dark clouds. I’d honestly much rather just be left alone than deal with most people in the first place.
Not everyone is like that. Some people truly enjoy sucking the life out of others, spreading their negativity and venom like a cancer, no hint of happiness until they have made someone else miserable.
Crow is like this. From what others have told me, she’s been that way for quite some time. It shows. She has permanent frown lines etched into her sour face, and she hates to see anyone else being happy.
That is exactly why she is so volatile about Gary and me. We are happy together. We are something she will never have. She is incapable of giving love, genuine love, because she loves no one but herself.
I would never choose to live that way. It’s obviously a miserable existence. But, just like the song says, it’s all she has, so she clings to it and milks it and squeezes every drop of gloom out of it, flinging her failures and squalor into everyone’s faces, hoping to drag them down to her level.
Most people have the emotional maturity to learn from their mistakes and adapt their behavior to better outcomes. People like Crow do not. She will never change. It’s sad. No matter how unhappy she is, she will refuse to let go of her bitterness and manufactured hate, refuse to make any changes in her life to be a better person.
I can’t control that. I don’t feel sorry her, since it’s in her power to live differently. At best, she serves as an example of how not to be, and I take it to heart. I want to look at my life and see Gary, the kids, laughter and jokes, hugs and quiet moments, my family, things and people and memories that make me smile. I don’t want to devote my life to negativity and toxins and venom.
Unlike her, that is not all that I have left. And I intend to keep it that way.